


Take my heart and care for me

by maia_nn



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Abuse, Depression, Drinking, Even is a film director, Isak is a therapist, M/M, Slow Burn, Smoking, but maybe even does?, isak doesn't know how to care for himself, isak is sad and confused, kind of?, more tags will be added maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-04-27 01:05:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14414319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maia_nn/pseuds/maia_nn
Summary: "I don’t dance.""You were dancing on the night we met.""Yeah but that’s because I was drunk...and sad.".Isak craves love like nothing else. When high school ended he jumped into an abusive relationship with Julian. Knowing nothing else, he has stayed with him for years...that is, until Even finds him at a high school reunion and shows him tenderness like he never knew.Featuring therapist Isak, film director Even, and a really fucked up Julian.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This chapter may be a little hard for some of you, so please read the notes at the end if you would like to know what happens, I don't want to trigger anyone, or have anyone read something they don't want to. 
> 
> This is my first chapter fic. I'm very nervous about posting this first chapter, but I hope you like it! I normally write fluffy one-shots but this is my first stab at something more real. 
> 
> Be kind always.

“I’ll text you the address.” 

“Okay sweetheart. Are you sure you want to go? We could stay in instead and just watch a movie, maybe get a pizza.”

Isak thought for a moment. Was he sure he wanted to go to the party? He never saw any of his friends from high school anymore, except for Vilde of course, but that was much different. It was not that he wanted to see them every single day, but maybe meeting up once in a while was good. It would be nice. And Julian had just called him sweetheart so he must be in a good mood.

“Yeah I’m sure. I wanna go.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you there. I get off of work at about...9:00.”

“Okay.”

“I love you,” Julian said. He hung up before Isak could say it back but Isak felt it to his bones. Julian  _ loved _ him. He was so, so grateful to be loved by someone. All Isak ever wanted was to be loved by someone and he finally had a boy who loved him. And Isak loved him back, he loved him with his entire heart.

 

.

 

When Isak arrived at the party his first instinct was to turn and run. Loud music and people were pouring in and out of the house and as Isak stepped closer he noticed two girls standing side by side puking into the bushes around the house. Isak felt like he was back in high school. 

“Isak!” Isak felt arms wrap around him from behind and lift him off the ground a little. He squealed. 

“Isak it’s so good to see you! I wasn’t sure if you would come or not.” 

Isak was let out of the death grip he was in and he placed both feet on the ground, turning around to see the face of the accused. 

Magnus smiled brightly at him. “Oh,” Isak let out a sigh of relief. “Hey, Magnus. It’s good to see you too. I was afraid you were Chris.” Isak laughed and patted Magnus’s shoulder awkwardly. 

“Why would you be afraid of Chris?” Magnus asked, laughing lightheartedly. “Are you scared of girls now Isak?”

“No! I meant penetrator Chris.”

Magnus said nothing to that. 

“Come on, let’s go inside,” Magnus dragged Isak by the wrist into the crowded house. Isak was pulled into the kitchen where Magnus handed him a beer bottle. “Did you lose weight Isak?” He looked at Isak with concerned eyes. It made Isak squirm. 

He looked shyly at the ground. “Yeah, maybe a little. We haven’t seen each other for a while Magnus, so maybe you…” Isak’s sentence trailed off and when he looked back up Magnus was already occupied by someone else’s attention. Isak was used to that. He was used to people ignoring him when he started talking, he was used to paying attention to others’ problems while everyone ignored his own. He was used to it. So he did his best to smile when Jonas escaped from Magnus’s insane hugging ‘skills’ and brought Isak into his own hug. 

Isak breathed in the smell of Jonas, the smell of his best friend and clung to him tightly. Jonas let go before Isak could inhale a full breath. 

“Hey Isak.” Jonas’s eyes sparkled the way they do and his curly mop of hair bounced as he talked. “I can’t believe it’s you.”

“Yeah.” Isak didn’t know what else to say.  _ I can’t believe it’s me either? I’m happy to see you? How have you been?  _ Isak didn’t know what to say to his ‘best friend.’ His tongue felt to big to fit in his mouth and he was glad to have a beer bottle occupying his hands. He took a swing to take some of the awkwardness away, hopefully. 

Jonas’s eyes never left Isak’s face and they turned worried. His brows furrowed together. “Are you okay Isak? You don’t look very well.” 

Isak’s defenses went up immediately. “Well thank you,” he spat in Jonas’s face. “You don’t look good either.”

Jonas’s face fell. His face turned from worried to sorrowful. He could always read Isak like a book and Isak felt like everything was out in the open even though he had never uttered a word to Jonas. Isak felt like maybe Jonas knew everything about him in that one moment, that moment where his sad eyes bore into Isak’s own and saw his soul. Jonas opened his mouth like he was going to say something but he closed it quickly, changing his mind. He looked at Isak for another beat while Isak just glareed back, nothing but hurt and anger in his eyes. 

Jonas finally broke the eye contact and looked at the floor. Isak felt like he could finally breathe again. 

“I’m sorry,” Jonas said softly. “I didn’t mean it like that...I’m actually very happy to see you.”

He looked up again and Isak noticed the genuineness of his words. 

Magnus decided then to come between Isak and Jonas and wrap one arm around both of them. He swayed on his feet and almost landed flat on his face if it wasn’t for Jonas’s arm stabling him. 

“Fuck Magnus how drunk are you? We just got here!” Jonas laughed and Isak’s heart sped up to the sound. 

“I’m not d-drunk!” Magnus swayed again and yelled at the top of his voice “shots!” 

He grabbed both Jonas and Isak and took them to another room where there were shots being set up on a table by none other than Mahdi. He poured the last shot and when he saw the threesome of boys stumbling towards him he flashed a smile. He pulled Isak into a one arm hug and muttered something under his breath that Isak had no chance of hearing due to the music thumping through the entire house. 

The four boys took their places and downed the shots. Isak felt the liquid burn in his throat. His limbs begun to feel looser and he eagerly threw his head back to three more shots. He was properly drunk. 

Jonas dragged the group of boys to the dance floor where  _ Nice for What _ by Drake was blasting from the speakers. Isak felt the music flow through his body and soon he was dancing like nobody was watching. The liquor coursed through his body, making him throw his hands into the air and even dance his bum a little against Magnus. Magnus threw his head back and let out a laugh that Isak would have loved to hear if the music wasn’t so loud and the alcohol in his bloodstream wasn’t messing with his ears. Isak blinked and then he was back to back with Magnus, the two of them grinding their asses together. 

“I love you guys! I love you guys so much!” Isak felt light, like he might float off the ground and into the night sky any second. He felt like he was back in high school, and for the first time in years Julian was not on his mind at all. He felt like he was 17, dancing at some random party with his friends around him. 

He looked at Jonas. His ‘best friend.’ Jonas had his eyes closed and he was punching the air with his fists. He was an absolute  _ shit _ dancer. Isak just laughed. His heart was full and the only thing that was inside of him at that moment was happiness. When Jonas looked up and caught Isak’s eye, Isak smiled at him. He let go of all the anger he felt and simply smiled. Everything that had happened to Isak since he left Nissen seemed to disappear then. All of the shit he had gone through, all of the hurt he had felt...it was gone. It was like Isak was reborn with pop songs, high school friends, and liquor. Not a very healthy combination if you asked him, but he didn’t care. Isak smiled inwardly at himself. Fuck, it felt good. It felt good to let go, to be himself and yell ‘I love you’ to people he barely talked to anymore, but still held a place for in his heart, his heart that was close to being crushed, close to being broken, but was still trying, still doing it’s best. 

When Isak felt a large hand on his hip he didn’t even think. He placed his own palm over the hand and pushed back against the body that began to dance with his. He swayed to the music and closed his eyes, readying his body to feel. And feel he did. 

The person behind him drew him closer with another hand placed low on his belly and Isak soon had a hard chest pressed against his back. He moved his hips back and forth and gasped when he felt the hand on his stomach bring him even closer to the man behind him. He was pressed flush against him, it felt almost like he was trying to connect himself to Isak, make them one person instead of the two currently grinding on the dance floor. 

Isak’s breath came out in short little gasps when both hands wrapped around him and long fingers began exploring his chest over his black button up shirt. 

He was thin now, he had lost a lot of weight, his bones were prominent when he stripped, his hip bones jutted out and his ribs could be seen under his skin. The thought briefly flashed through his mind,  _ what if he doesn’t like my body?  _

The thought left as quickly as it came. Isak didn’t even know who  _ he  _ was. Curiosity quickly took over his drunken brain and he dropped his head onto the shoulder behind him. His first thought,  _ wow he’s fucking tall _ . His second thought,  _ Tall dudes have big dicks _ . Then, _ I want to drown in his eyes.  _

Isak was met with the most beautiful pair of eyes he had ever seen. And he knows, he knows that lots of people say that about eyes. He knows that lots of people say eyes are beautiful, and some eyes are the most beautiful. But holy fuck, those people had never seen this man’s eyes. Because when Isak looked at his eyes he felt like he was in love. Just like that. He was in love with those eyes. 

Isak’s mouth hung open in a silent gasp and then he groaned when he felt the man’s arms wrap even tighter around him until they were not dancing anymore, just staring intensely at one another and hugging on the dance floor. 

Isak turned around to face him. To face the blue eyed boy that held his heart in his hands right then. He faced him and he let his arms slide up his shoulders and around his neck. He let his body be pulled into the sweetest hug he had ever felt. Julian didn’t exist in Isak’s world, nothing existed, nothing but this beautiful boy who he held in his arms. This beautiful boy who was tracing patterns into the small of his back and making Isak gasp over and over and over again. 

Isak awoke from his trance a second later when a hand grasped his wrist with harsh intentions and yanked him away from his boy. He continued to be dragged away, tripping over his own feet while his brain tried to walk with alcohol confusing it. Once he got outside he gathered some of his senses and he pulled his hand back to himself, rubbing his wrist gently. 

“What the fuck!” Isak yelled. “Fuck you!”

Then he looked up, and everything came rushing back.

Julian was standing in front of him, his rage so all consuming it was nearly leaking out of his body.

“No, Isak, fuck you.”

Julian spoke in a surprisingly calm, collected voice. It made Isak feel even more fear. His face flushed and he felt his body start to tremble as he stood there under the heat of Julian’s gaze.

“Julian, please-”

“Isak, let’s go home.”

“Please…” Isak had no idea what he was begging for. Mercy? Forgiveness? Love?

“Isak, let’s go home.” Julian spoke a bit harsher this time. He held his hand out but Isak was too afraid to take it. Isak was too afraid of what would happen when they got home. Rationally he knew things would be better if he just agreed to Julian now, if he just took his hand, went home, and took his punishment. But the irrational part of Isak’s brain was the only thing working with the shots he had taken.

“No.”

“What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“No.”

Julian was shocked. He was genuinely shocked. And when he started yelling at Isak, with sentences filled with a mixture of profanity and Isak’s name, Isak shrunk back. He took a step back but Julian only stepped forward and continued his assault on Isak’s heart.

“Hey are you okay?”

It was Jonas. Jonas had heard the commotion, or maybe he had seen Isak leave, who knows, but he was there. He took a step outside of the house towards Isak and Julian, and while Julian stopped his words Isak still saw anger bubbling under his skin like poison.

“We’re fine,” Julian snapped at Jonas. “We were just leaving, weren’t we Isak?”

Isak stayed put for a second more, looking into Julian’s angry eyes and Jonas’s concerned ones. Fuck, he hated that look. He hated people thinking something was wrong with him, thinking that he was weak and fragile and needed someone to help him. He hated that so much, even more than Julian’s anger.

So Isak took a step toward Julian and took his hand .He allowed himself to be led to the car that Julian had parked in front of the house, and while they drove away in silence Isak looked back. He saw his blue eyed boy looking out the door frame with that same look in his eyes. Pity.

Isak sneered and turned away, refusing to look back at the beautiful boy who had stolen his heart if only for a minute or two.

 

.

 

“I saw David again this week.”

“How was that?”

“It was...good. At least I think it was good. He was kind.”

“Why did you hesitate? Is there anything about David that you think isn’t good?”

“I did more heroin with him.”

Isak took a deep breath but answered the way he thought best for her. “Thank you for being open with me.” 

Vilde was quiet, so Isak tried again. 

“Do you think that these drugs are making you happy?” 

“Well...yeah, in the moment I guess they are.”

“What about when you’re not in that moment?”

Vilde took a breath in like she was considering not answering the question. But when she breathed out a frown settled on her face and Isak prepared himself for her answer. 

“When I’m not in that moment I think about my sister and how I’m never going to fucking see her again and how I’m the biggest fucking failure in the entire world! I think about ways to kill myself and I think that maybe, just maybe I’ll use a dirty needle this time, or, or I’ll roll onto my back while I sleep and choke on my vomit. I think of the pure bliss that death would bring me and I fucking hope with all my heart that some freak accident will finally take my life. And I think of all the shit in the world. There’s so much shit in the world, you know? Like yeah, my sister fucking killed herself but there’s also people starving and people killing each other, there’s babies who are born in war zones that will never know their mothers, children who have to hold guns and children who are forced into sex trafficking. And the only thing I have is a dead sister. A sister who I knew growing up, who had some issues but still loved me with all her heart. And that’s what I think about when I’m not in the moment. I want to die! I want to die so badly, but i can’t kill myself. Because no matter how bad I want it my mind always goes back to those who have nothing, those who would kill for a slice of my life. Killing myself would be selfish, so selfish.” 

Vilde had sat up during her speech and scooted to the end of the couch she was seated on. They were in Isak’s office, both seated on the couch placed in the middle of the room. 

Vilde was nearly in Isak’s face and her eyes were full of rage. Isak knew that rage well. He had seen it on her many times before. 

Isak took a deep breath and motioned for Vilde to breathe with him. Her eyes calmed down but he knew the storm in her heart was nowhere near calm. 

“Vilde,” Isak began. 

“I know, I know,” Vilde started, cutting Isak off. “I shouldn’t kill myself. I should stop doing drugs. I know.”

“Vilde,” Isak said again, a bit firmer. “You need to stop comparing your life to the lives of others. You don’t get to judge sorrow. You don’t get to say that one’s sorrow is worse than another’s. Yes, there are people in the world that have horrible lives, but you can’t compare your life to theirs. You need to ask yourself what  _ you  _ need. I want you to think about your own needs for once.” Isak thought about what to say next. “Have you ever heard the expression ‘you can’t love someone before you’ve learned to love yourself?’”

Vilde nodded. 

“Well I believe that’s true,” Isak continued. “I think that you need to love yourself first, Vilde. I think that it’s honorable of you to think of the suffering in the world, but thinking about it isn’t going to help anyone. Simply thinking about it and wishing it will go away will not make any changes. I want you to accept your sorrow, to know that it’s okay to feel the way that you feel about your sister. And you need to know that you are allowed to feel that way for as long as it takes. Grief does not simply end one day. You are going to miss her for a very, very long time Vilde, but that’s okay. It’s okay to feel sorrowful. But I don’t want you to compare your sorrow to other’s, okay? You feel sorrow, and they feel sorrow, and you are not one to judge who’s is lesser. Your sorrow is valid, your life is hard, and you are doing the best that you can, okay? Accept those things for me, will you?”

Vilde nodded again. 

“Okay?” 

“Okay,” Vilde said in a broken, quiet voice. “Okay.” 

Isak was silent for a while, giving Vilde space to breathe and speak if she felt like it. 

“Do you want to make a goal this week?”

“Yes.”

“What would you like your goal to be?” 

“I don’t want to see David this week.” 

“Okay,” Isak replied carefully. 

“I know he’s not good for me. I know if I see him he will have drugs and I will do them, I’m not strong enough to resist.”

“Yet.”

“Huh?”

“You’re not strong enough to resist  _ yet _ .”

Vilde took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and leaned back on the couch. When she opened her eyes she was looking at the ceiling. “I’m not strong enough to resist  _ yet _ .”

When she met her eyes with Isak’s he was smiling. She smiled softly back at him. But it wasn’t a complete smile. It was a smile full of sadness and guilt and hatred, but Isak took it anyway. 

A knock came on his door. 

He sighed and stood up, Vilde stood beside him. They hugged and Isak felt warmth in his chest, but he had to let her go eventually. 

“Thank you,” she whispered on her way out, letting his next client in. 

Isak looked at the clock in his office. It was nearly 6:00. His talk with Vilde had gone on a lot longer than he had planned. He sighed but quickly did his best to wipe the tired look from his face as he turned to his last patient of the day, Anita. 

“Hi Anita, how are you today?” Isak took his usual place in his seat across from the couch while Anita made herself comfortable in the place where Vilde was sitting seconds before. 

Anita jumped right into it. “I bought a new bra and my husband won’t even look at me! It’s like he doesn’t know I exist!” 

Anita continued but Isak’s mind was far from his body. He thought about the problems this woman was experiencing, he thought about how she had enough money to pay him fifty dollars an hour for therapy that could likely be done by her mother. And then he thought about Vilde, the girl he met in high school who was always bubbly and happy, always with a group and looking like she was the queen of the world. The girl with a sister who was just like her in every way, a sister that she looked up to and brought up in every conversation. A sister who got hit with depression out of nowhere and killed herself. He thought about Vilde, the girl who had spiraled after her sister’s death and no longer had any money to pay for anything, especially therapy. 

“Once a week,” he had told her. “Once a week you can come to my office and I will do what I can.” She had hugged him so hard he thought she was going to crush his lung. But she came, every week she came and talked to Isak. And it seemed like every week was worse than the week before. 

Isak tuned back in to Anita and he replied to the best of his abilities. He knew that Anita was going through things, and he knew that he was capable of helping her but he wished with all his heart that he could help everyone, even those who had nothing to give him in return but sweet hugs and harsh words. 

 

.

 

Isak took the tram home and he dreaded walking through his front door. He dreaded what Julian would say, what he would do. He had sent him a simple text that Isak had not seen until he finished his meeting with Anita and had left work.

 

Julian:

_ You’re late. _

 

Isak dreaded going home. And thoughts from a week before came flooding into his mind. Thoughts of that night, the night after the party with the blue eyed boy. 

_ Isak had blushed hard, but not because he was excited or aroused, no, he blushed because he was scared. He was scared of what was to come.  _

_ When Julian had dragged Isak all the way home, he shoved his jeans to his ankles and penetrated him with almost no prep at all.  _

_ Isak knew the pain would stay for days.  _

_ He heard a grunt come from Julian’s lips and Isak wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. He wanted to get up from his bed and run out of his room screaming, he wanted to cry, but he couldn’t  do any of these things because his ass was in the air and Julian was slamming into him with a bruising pace.  _

_ Isak whimpered.  _

_ “Fuck. You like that you little bitch? This is what you get when you fucking flirt with a guy right in front of my face!” Julian sounded so angry and Isak was terrified down to his bone.  _

_ “I’m sorry!” Isak screamed when Julian leaned over his slim body and shoved his hands harshly into his curly hair. He pulled. Hard. Isak screamed again and he felt tears begin to well up in his eyes. “I’m so sorry! I won’t do it again!”  _

_ “Fuck!” Julian’s thrusts stuttered and Isak could feel him unloading inside of him. He hadn’t used a condom. He rarely did these days.  _

_ When Julian got up and muttered “I’m going to shower. Clean yourself up,” Isak remained completely still. He felt cum leaking out of his ass, down his thighs, and toward his pants that were still around his ankles. His sweatshirt was tucked underneath his arms and sweat coated his back. He felt disgusting and used. He hadn’t even come. Fuck, he hadn’t even gotten hard.  _

_ Isak fell into a restless sleep, but only for a second because when Julian was out of the shower he shoved Isak into the living room and onto the couch where Isak had fallen onto his stomach and cried until the sun rose.  _

But Isak still went home. He still walked through the door and hoped to find Julian there waiting, waiting for a hello kiss or a hug, something, anything. Because Julian loved him. Isak knew it. Julian loved him and treated him with care. Isak buried the thoughts of that night in the back of his mind and he thought of other things instead. He thought of the mornings when Julian was in a good mood and made him coffee, he thought of the time when Julian had come to visit him at work and had kissed him in front of all his coworkers, and how thrilled Isak had been that he had someone to call his. He thought of that, and he pushed the bad days away. 

Julian was in the kitchen making pasta, and he didn’t acknowledge Isak as he walked through the door. He didn’t acknowledge him when they sat down to eat, he didn’t acknowledge him when Isak offered to do the dishes, he didn’t acknowledge him when Isak crawled into bed next to his body. So Isak turned off his lights and cried silently, thanking the heavens that at least Julian hadn’t hurt him for being late.

 

.

 

Isak awoke in the early hours of the morning to his phone ringing. He grumbled and flipped his body around so he could check the screen. When he saw that it was Jonas he quickly declined, considering the body sleeping next to his own. 

“Who was that?” Julian asked, yawning and blinking his eyes open. 

“Wrong number,” Isak said a little too fast. Julian didn’t seem to notice. He mumbled something incoherent and slumped back onto his pillow, his soft snoring quickly filling the room once again. 

Isak waited a beat to make sure Julian was asleep and then he went into the kitchen to call Jonas back. 

Jonas picked up on the first ring. 

“Hey! Isak!” He sounded excited. 

“Hey Jonas, what is it? Why did you call me?” Isak was nervous. The only plausible reasons in his brain for Jonas calling him were either that he needed a place to stay or...actually that was the only thing Isak could come up with. Of course, it was 7:00 in the morning on a fucking Sunday, the one day he should be allowed to sleep in until 12, so he deserved a break from thinking and shit. 

“Uh, I just wanted to invite you to a party tonight. You remember the party last week, the one that William threw for all of the Nissen graduates?” Isak could sense Jonas’s uneasiness. He was doing his best to act calm and casual, but Isak could hear his real voice, his voice that was still afraid to talk to Isak. The easiness they had had back in high school was long since gone. 

“Uh, yeah.” 

“Well, I know you left early but Magnus, Mahdi and I were talking about having another get together. We saw a lot of people from high school there, so we all decided to get together tonight. It won’t be as big as the last party, so no worries if you can’t come or you have something else.

Isak thought about the request. He thought about Julian. He thought about the angel with the blue eyes and the big hands. 

“I’ll come,” Isak replied quickly before he could change his mind. 

“Oh,” Jonas sounded surprised, like he hadn’t expected Isak to say yes. “Okay, cool. I’ll see you there then. It starts around 9.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

“Bye Jonas.”

“Bye Isak.”

Julian chose that moment to walk out of their bedroom, looking tired with his mess of hair and droopy eyes. 

“Who was that? I thought you said it was a wrong number.”

“It was a wrong number. That was a call from work.” 

Isak walked up to Julian and draped his arms over his shoulders, offering up his body. 

Julian sighed in content as he placed his hands on Isak’s hips. He buried his face in Isak’s neck and Isak purred. “What did they want?” Julian whispered against his skin. 

“They want me to come in tonight.” Isak gasped when Julian’s tongue poked out and licked a sensitive spot on his neck. 

“For what?” 

“Just paperwork. Stuff I need to finish. I might be gone late tonight.”

“Does that mean I get you all to myself today?” Julian pulled Isak closer by the hips to let him feel his erection. Isak gasped again. 

“Y-yes. I’m all yours.”

“Good.”

Isak felt a pang of guilt for lying when Julian was being so nice to him, but it quickly got replaced with pleasure when Julian licked down his neck, past his chest, and down, down down. 

 

.

 

Isak was walking slowly along the street, following the instructions that Jonas had given him. He wanted to turn back,  _ god _ he wanted to turn back badly. Julian had given him everything that day. He had worshiped him and told him he loved him and Isak was filled to the brim with love. He was glowing, he knew it. 

But he didn’t turn back. 

Something was pulling him toward this get together, party, whatever the fuck it was. Something was pulling him there and that force was stronger than Isak, stronger than his want to go home, to go back to Julian, back to the Julian he knew loved him. 

“Isak!”

Isak jumped and turned around, frightened. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” It was Jonas. “I was just walking to the party myself, and I saw you ahead of me. Thought we could walk together.” 

“Okay.” Isak’s voice came out as a squeak. He hated it. He wanted to seem cool and collected, just like Jonas was, but his body was betraying him. He couldn’t even look at Jonas, so instead they walked in awkward silence while Isak stared at his feet. 

“I like your hat, it reminds me of high school days,” Jonas said. Isak looked up, surprised. 

“Thanks,” he whispered. He reached up to touch the red snapback sitting atop his head. 

“Sorry you had to leave early from the party last week.”

“It’s okay.”

Jonas hesitates. “The guy who picked you up, was that your boyfriend?”

“Yes.” 

The silence was slightly less awkward after that. Still awkward, but just less so. 

“Left here,” Jonas said when they came up to a fork in the road. 

Isak was expecting another crazy party with loud music and drunken messes of people, but instead he saw an apartment building nearly seven stories high, the windows on the second story open. Music was flowing from the open windows, but it wasn’t overwhelming. 

“This is it,” Jonas said, reaching for the buzzer. He said his name and they were let into the apartment. Isak climbed the stairs behind Jonas and once they reach the second story Isak realized it was a lot smaller than before. There were people filling the space, but it was a comfortable full. 

Jonas led Isak to the kitchen where they meet Magnus and Mahdi, as expected. When everyone was holding a beer in their hand they all settled into a circle and talked about everything and nothing. Just like it was in high school. 

Mahdi chatted about his wife and Magnus complained about being dumped by yet another girl. Typical. Isak wondered what would have happened if Vilde and Magnus had stayed together. He wondered for a second but quickly shut down the thought. That’s not what happened, so why wonder about it now? 

Before Isak knew what he was doing he was already on his fourth beer and he was laughing along with Magnus while he was telling a story. 

“So I had her fucking tongue in my ear and she just-she just-” Magnus couldn’t even finish his sentence he was laughing so hard. Isak laughed right along with him. “Fuck. She whispered in the sexiest, I kid you not, the sexiest way possible, she just straight up whispered ‘Do you want my tongue in your ass?’” Magnus could not hold in the laughter. He laughed like nobody was watching, and that’s what Isak admired about him. “I think I lost my boners for a week over that!” 

Isak nearly spit out his mouthful of beer, he was laughing so hard. He didn’t know why Magnus’s dumb as fuck story was causing him this much joy (he guessed it was the alcohol) but Isak felt happy. He felt giddy with laughter and stupidity. He basked in it. Magnus geared up for another failed hook up story, and Isak threw his head back, smiling. 

When he turned to look back at Magnus his breath caught in his throat. Across the room, staring holes into his head was  _ him _ . The boy. The boy who had danced with Isak when Isak hadn’t danced with anyone for years. The boy who had taken Isak’s heart for mere minutes. Isak couldn’t breathe. 

Isak mumbled something about needing to pee, and he tore his eyes away from the boy. Literally, it felt like tearing his eyes away. His eyes did not want to look away, but Isak forced them to. 

Isak finally found the bathroom after stumbling through the apartment for what felt like forever. He opened the door and was inside for two seconds when the boy came in, locking the door behind him. The room suddenly felt too small for Isak. 

“What are you doing?” Isak’s words were slurred.

The boy looked at Isak like he had a point to make, like he wanted to say something. 

He flailed his arms around his head. “Who the fuck was that guy the other night? He can’t talk to you like that! He humiliated you in front of everyone! That was so fucked up Isak!” 

Isak stopped breathing. 

“He treated you like dirt and he dragged you around, nobody deserves that, especially not you.” The boy stopped pacing in the small room and looked at Isak. The color drained from his face, like he was just realizing he was talking to someone. “Fuck, sorry.” The boy stuttered and held up his hand for Isak to shake. “I’m Even.”

Isak’s hand trembled as he shook Even’s. “Isak.”

“Yeah.”

Their hands lingered together until Even seemed to regain his senses and he pulled his back with a jolt. He ran his fingers through his hair.  _ That looks soft. _ Isak was drunk. He was drunk and he was tired, so tired. His soul was tired. 

Isak sat himself on the countertop next to the sink. 

_ Fuck, whoever’s apartment this is, they’re rich. This countertop is huge. You could fuck someone over this counter.  _

Isak gasped out loud at the crudity of his thought. 

“You’re so drunk right now Isak. I can smell the alcohol on your lips.”

Isak looked up at Even’s eyes. “How do you know who I am?” 

“I went to school with you.” Even looked sad. Sad that Isak didn’t know who he was. 

_ Duh _ . Of course this boy went to school with him. They had danced at a fucking high school reunion. 

“Oh,” Isak said dumbly. “I’m sorry I don’t remember you. I’m so sorry.” Isak felt tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry!” He didn’t know this boy. He didn’t know this beautiful boy named Even standing in front of him, and he was so sad. He was so unbearably sad. He gasped for breath as tears started pouring from his eyes. He was drunk. He was drunk and stupid and he was crying over a boy he didn’t know. 

Even was in front of him, wiping the tears from his face. “Hey Isak, it’s okay. It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

Even’s voice sounded sad and that just made Isak cry harder. He gripped the front of Even’s shirt and pulled him between his legs, wrapping his body around Even’s like a koala. 

“Even I’m so sorry!” Isak pulled Even tighter against him, if that was even possible while Even buried his hands in Isak’s hair and whispered words into his ear. 

When Isak had calmed down a little bit Even pulled back just enough to look into his eyes. He wiped the tears on his cheeks with the back of his thumb and Isak shuddered. He shuddered and he thought of Julian. Julian would never treat him like that, he had never touched him with so much tenderness and love. Even that morning when they had made love, and love, and love, Julian did not touch him like that. He always pushed just a bit too rough, kissed a bit too hard, and shoved a bit too much. Even that morning, the happiest Isak had been with Julian in months, even that morning he wouldn’t touch him with tenderness. He still took more than he gave, thought of himself over Isak. Always. And Isak was drained, he was so drained listening to other’s and taking in their problems, but having nobody to listen to his own. 

Isak cried. He couldn’t stop the tears from dropping out of his eyes. But Even wiped them away. He wiped them all away. 

“Isak? Isak why are you crying?” 

A sob escaped Isak’s mouth. Nobody had ever been this tender with him. Nobody. 

“Isak? Tell me why you’re crying.” Even was still holding his face between his hands, he was still pressed against his body, sharing his warmth. And Isak’s legs were still wrapped around his waist.

“Isak?”

“Because-because I don’t remember you. I hurt your feelings and I don’t remember you from high school.” Isak’s hands were still holding to Even’s sweater. His hands shook and he begged for Even to see through him. He wanted Even to know the real reason, he wanted Even to understand, even though he was just a boy he had danced with at a party.

“Isak.” Even spoke in a cautious tone. “Isak, it’s okay. It’s okay.” He knew. He knew Isak was crying about Julian. And Isak knew that he knew, so he built up his walls. His heart wanted Even to see him, desperately, but his mind would not allow it. He couldn’t show this boy that side of him.

“No! No, Even, I’m crying because of you! I’m crying because I’m drunk and stupid and I don’t remember you! You are being so kind to me and I don’t even know who you are!”

“Isak,” Even warned.

“No, no, I’m not crying because of Julian!” Isak’s mouth had betrayed him. He had said the words in his brain, not the words he wished to come out of his mouth. His hand flew to his mouth and he covered it with wide eyes.

Even gently took his hand away and stroked soothing circles into Isak’s palm.

“I’m not crying because of Julian.” Isak was softer this time, his voice barely heard. He looked at his lap, he couldn’t bear the sight of Even’s eyes any longer.

Even’s hand was gentle as he brought Isak’s chin up.

His eyes were sad, like he knew something Isak didn’t. And when he spoke Isak’s brain melted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: rough sex, depression, talks of suicide 
> 
> Please please let me know what you thought! Comments really help me and push me to post more. 
> 
> In this chapter I really just wanted to introduce Julian and Isak's relationship, and how Isak feels about it when he's lying to himself, and how he really feels when he's honest. I also wanted to show Isak as a therapist because I think a lot of the time we help others and we pour everything we have into looking after other people, but we forget about ourselves.
> 
> Maybe Even will help Isak realize he needs to care for himself? ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading this! It means the world to me. Thank you for your kind comments on the first chapter, I am trying to post one chapter a week, so that's the schedule I guess. 
> 
> Uhh also I wrote kind of a lot of this chapter while I was high so yeah.

Isak woke up to a bad taste on his tongue. He heard his stomach grumble and he covered his mouth, getting out of the bed he was laying in to sprint to the bathroom. There was only one problem: someone moved the fucking bathroom.

Isak cursed in his head and he felt bile rising in his throat, making him even more desperate for a toilet to puke into. He searched his surroundings, unable to process the unfamiliarity of the house due to the alcohol in his veins and the pounding headache in his brain. 

After what felt like hours Isak finally stumbled into a bathroom, leaned over the toilet, and spilled his guts. Some of it splashed out of the toilet and onto the floor where he was kneeling, but isak didn’t even notice. He just hurled over and over again, knuckles turning white where he was gripping the toilet. 

A soft hand came to his hair and brushed it off of his forehead. He was so out of it he didn’t even flinch. 

The hand fell to the back of his neck where it started rubbing softly and sweetly. 

“Julian,” Isak croaked, “Ugh, my head is killing me.”

The hand just continued to rub soothingly. Isak basked in the comfort. Nobody touched him this sweetly. Nobody. 

“Fuck, Julian, I got really fucked up last night.” 

The hand traveled higher and massaged Isak’s scalp. He nearly purred. Isak stayed where he was and stared at the toilet.  _ Fuck, that felt good. _ He almost forgot about the pain in his head. Almost. 

“It’s okay Isak, you’re okay.” 

Isak  _ did _ purr then. He loved Julian’s voice. He loved how his hand fit in his curls perfectly, and he loved the tender way Julian was touching him. 

“You’re okay,” Julian’s voice was deep and soft and it washed over Isak like a wave. Wow, he loved that voice. That deep rumble laced with hints of sleepiness and love. His voice was so beautiful. It calmed Isak immediately. He was a bit surprised, normally Julian would have stayed in bed, or if he had come to help Isak he would have held his hair back with harshness, he would have whispered crude things in his ear,  _ why did you get so fucked up? Why did you get so drunk? Why do I always have to fucking take care of you? _ But that’s not how he sounded now. He sounded pillow-ey and soft and deep all at the same time, if that was a thing. 

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

Isak realized it in an instant. One second he was satisfied, complete, in love, and the next he whipped his head around so fast that it honestly felt like it was going to fall off his shoulders.

Unfortunately the move caused his headache to worsen. He hunched over, the person sitting beside him forgotten as he clutched his head with both hands and tried not to cry with the pounding inside his brain. 

A hand settled on his back. Fuck, these hands were driving him crazy! He felt like he was falling in love while puking his guts into the toilet and sitting in a fetal position on the floor of a dirty bathroom. 

“Isak? Isak are you okay? Should I get you some pain killers?” 

There was that voice again. That voice that sent a shiver down Isak’s spine. He grunted and forced his body to sit upright and look at whoever was sitting in front of him. 

_ Even. _

The night before came rushing back to Isak. He remembered lying to Julian and going to the party with Jonas. He remembered getting cornered in the bathroom by Even, this beautiful boy who made his heart beat faster and broke down his walls that took him years to build within minutes. He remembered crying in Even’s arms and running away from him because of the shame he felt. And after that, after that things got blurry. He had done shots with his friends and then who the fuck knows what happened. 

Isak sat on the floor in the bathroom, searching his brain for answers, but he doesn’t remember coming to Even’s house. Yet here he is. 

“Isak, do you need anything?” Even asked again, softer, quieter. Isak was grateful but also terrified. 

“No, no, no, it’s okay.” Isak’s breath started coming faster and faster. “Fuck,” He whispered harshly to the air. “Julian is going to kill me! Julian is going to kill me!”

“Isak, calm down, it’s okay.” Even’s hands were still on Isak, but Isak stood up to get away from him, to get his mind a little more clear. His legs creaked as he stood but he pushed through it. 

“Even! Why am I here? How did I get here? I don’t understand!” Isak was panicking. He started pacing next to the bathtub while Even was still kneeling on the floor. 

“Do you maybe want to sit down? You look like you may throw up again,” Even’s voice was calming and wonderful, and Isak wanted nothing more than to just listen to him, but he could not forget about the problem at hand. 

“I don’t need to sit down! Why am I here? Does Julian know I’m here?” 

Even sighed and looked at Isak with sad eyes. It seemed like that’s all he ever did. Look at Isak with sad eyes. 

“We were at the party yesterday, do you remember?” Isak nodded. “You drank a lot...like a lot...and you passed out, so I tried to find out where you lived but nobody knew. And your phone was dead so I had nobody I could call...it’s almost like nobody knows anything about you.”

Isak sighed. He already knew all of that. He hadn’t talked to anyone from high school for a long time, nobody even knew that he had gotten together with Julian. 

“Why did you bring me  _ here _ ?” 

“I couldn’t find anywhere else for you to go.” Even looked at the ground like he’s ashamed and it did something to Isak’s heart. He didn’t want to see Even looking like that. 

“Thank you for helping me, but I better get home now.” Isak tried to exit the bathroom but Even stood up swiftly and took a hold of his shoulder. 

“Isak, it’s the middle of the night...maybe you should just stay here until morning and you can explain to Julian what happened.” 

Isak panicked. How had he not known it was the middle of the night? He glanced outside the small window in the bathroom and yup, there was the sky, dark and brooding and filled with stars. Isak’s shoulders slumped. He felt his resolve weaken. Even looked so soft standing there in sweat pants and a too big shirt. 

Isak sighed. “Okay. But I’m leaving first thing in the morning.” He tried to sound firm but it came out weak. 

Isak smiled, a soft yet undeniably....happy smile. 

Even let Isak borrow a toothbrush and fresh boxers, considering that Isak had thrown up on his own pair. 

When Isak was changed and feeling much better than before he stood next to the bed, looking at Even who was mirroring him from the other side. 

“I can sleep on the couch if you want-”

“Oh, no it’s okay-”

“It’s no trouble really-”

“I don’t mind-”

“The couch is not that bad-” 

Isak stopped the rambling with his hand in the air. “Even, it’s okay, you don’t have to sleep on the couch. You’ve been nice enough to me already. Your bed is plenty big enough for the both of us."

Even blushed. He  _ blushed! _ Isak’s heart started sprinting again but he tried to calm it down as he placed his body into bed next to Even’s. While he was maneuvering his legs under the covers he got a good look at the boxers Even had lent him. How had he not noticed before?

Isak giggled. 

Even turned to him. “Why are you laughing?” He asked while his gaze lingered on Isak’s open lips. 

“I can’t believe you gave me Lord of the Rings underwear.” Isak giggled again. Even looked at him, entranced. 

“Lord of the Rings is a good movie,” Even said, a smile slowly taking over his face. 

“It’s not that good,” Isak said shyly.

“It is!” Even was smiling like the sun again and it warmed Isak’s heart. “We can watch it together some time.”

“It’s not that good,” he mumbled one last time before grinning like an idiot in love and pulling the covers up to his nose. 

Isak slept better than he had in a long time that night. 

 

.

 

In the morning Isak woke up with warm breath tickling his neck. He opened his eyes and found a very much asleep Even lying on his side, inches away from touching Isak. 

Isak’s instinct was to curl into Even’s sleepy body and cuddle him. But the thought of Julian entered his mind. And once it was there there was no chance of it leaving. A wave of fear washed over Isak and he quickly got out of bed, found the blandest pair of pants he could in Even’s closet (his own were trashed) and he pocketed his dead phone. He was opening the front door to leave when a groggy voice spoke behind him. 

“Let me make you breakfast.”

And that’s how Isak ended up sitting on a barstool in Even’s kitchen, eating the best eggs he had ever had in his entire life. 

A moan escaped Isak’s mouth as he absolutely devoured the eggs Even had made. “Fuck these are good.” He ate up every last bit, with moans and ‘shit’s and ‘oh god’s pouring out of his mouth. When he was finished he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and turned to Even. 

Even was staring at him with wide, wide eyes. 

“Do you-do you want some more?” Even scooted his plate over to Isak when Isak nodded eagerly. 

“These are the best fucking eggs-the best fucking anything I have ever had! Oh my god these are so good!” Isak finished Even’s eggs with pornographic sounds coming from his lips. He turned to Even to say thank you but when they locked eyes Isak finally realized. He realized what he had been doing, how he had been moaning, and he realized why Even’s eyes looked so dark. 

“Sorry,” Isak breathed. “I didn’t realize I was being so loud…”

“It’s okay,” Even whispered. “I don’t mind.” 

Even stood up slowly, his eyes not leaving Isak’s. 

He made his way to Isak and Isak opened his legs without thinking. Even stepped between them. 

They were not touching, but god, Isak wanted to touch. He wanted to touch this boy standing inches in front of him, this boy who made him eggs and let him borrow Lord of the Rings underwear, this boy who he barely knew yet still felt like he had known for years. 

Even moved slowly, as if he was afraid he would scare Isak away. He brought his hands slowly, ever so slowly to Isak’s shoulders and when he pulled Isak toward his chest and wrapped his arms around his neck Isak released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. 

“W-what are you doing?” Isak stuttered. 

“I’m hugging you.” 

“Why?” 

“Because everyone deserves to be hugged.”

Isak took in a shaky breath and allowed himself to be enveloped in the warmth of Even’s hug, allowed himself to wrap his own arms around Even. He buried his face in the crook of Even’s neck and he felt Even grip him tighter. 

Isak melted into the embrace. He shut his eyes tight and breathed in the scent of Even.  _ Everyone deserves to be hugged. _

The shrill sound of Even’s phone ringing zipped through the air and made Isak stiffen. Even pulled away to answer the call and Isak was left feeling cold. Cold and empty. 

“Sorry, that was just Sonja. I can call her back later.”

_ Sonja. His girlfriend. _ Of course Even had a girlfriend. Of course he wasn’t treating Isak special, he probably hugged everyone, and made everyone eggs in the morning. He was probably just a really kind person. Isak was not special. 

“I should probably get going. Julian is going to wonder where I am.” 

“Isak.”

“Thank you for breakfast and thank you for letting me stay here. That was very kind of you. You are a very kind person.” Isak’s voice was robotic, his words too thought out. He sounded angry. He had no reason to be angry with Even, no reason at all. Yet all he could feel was anger mixed with sadness, causing his heart to clench and wishing that he could drown in Even’s arms again. 

“Isak.”

Isak grabbed his coat from where it was hanging off the chair and made his way to the front door. Before he could slam it, however, a hand caught it and yanked it back open. 

“You cried last night because of him.” 

Isak sighed. He wanted to say something in return, something like  _ you don’t fucking know what you’re talking about, _ but instead he just sighed. Then he ran down the stairs and didn’t look back. 

 

.

 

Isak trembled as he stood in front of his door. Julian was on the other side. Julian was on the other side and he knew something bad was going to happen. As soon as Isak walked through that door he knew Julian would scream, would throw something, would hurt Isak. 

But Isak was strong. Isak could take whatever was thrown his way. 

He thought about what Even had said.

Maybe Even was right. Did he cry the night before because of Julian?

No, fuck that. Julian treated him good. Julian had been with him since high school ended, Isak knew nothing else. And Isak cherished the moments when Julian was kind. He kept those moments in his heart and he remembered them when things were bad. 

Isak did his best to fight the urge to cry and run as he pushed the door open. 

Julian wasn’t there. 

Julian wasn’t in the kitchen, and he wasn’t in the bathroom or the bedroom. He wasn’t there. Isak searched the entire apartment and when he was left empty handed he stood there in the middle of the living room, wondering what to do with himself. 

 

.

 

Isak had plugged his phone in, read all the non existent messages from Julian, gone to work for his three meetings that day, and come all the way back home. 

Julian still wasn’t there. 

Isak ate cereal in his kitchen, alone, and waited for Julian. A bit of milk dropped down his chin and fell onto his sweatpants but he didn’t bother cleaning it. Who gave a fuck anyways. 

The taste of oats and milk was almost gross and Isak couldn’t help wishing he had Even’s eggs. Even’s eggs and Even’s bed and Even’s arms wrapped around him. 

An incredibly sad feeling washed over Isak. He felt...sad. He couldn’t think of another word for it. He sat in his kitchen, eating stale cereal and wearing a ripped t-shirt, waiting for his boyfriend who might not come home. 

He remembered this. This had happened before. 

Months ago, Isak had no idea how many, but months ago he had been doing paperwork in his office late at night and he had fallen asleep there. He had returned home in the morning, prepared to apologize to Julian but Julian wasn’t there. Julian had gone full radio silent, and he didn’t return for three days. 

Isak cried. He cried so much he was afraid there were no tears left in his body. And when Julian did finally return Isak had fallen on his knees and begged for forgiveness. 

Logically he knew that he had done nothing wrong, but the logical part of his brain didn’t always work around Julian. He craved for Julian to love him, for Julian to see in him what he could never see in himself. But if Julian would not be affectionate, if Julian would not be tender, Isak would take attention, he would take any scraps that Julian would give him, and being left completely alone killed him. Julian knew that. 

So, instead of telling Julian off, or asking why he had been gone for so long, where he had been, what he had been doing, Isak begged for forgiveness. 

And when Julian asked him if Isak had slept with someone else, Isak said “yes, yes, I did! I’m so sorry, you cannot understand how sorry I am! Please, please take me back! Please love me!” Because Isak knew that when Julian had an idea, it was easier to agree with him than argue for the truth. Whatever Julian said was truth, Isak’s opinion did not matter. So when Julian asked Isak if he had slept with someone that became Isak’s truth as well. He had slept with someone, he had cheated on Julian, and he deserved the treatment that Julian was giving him. 

Isak pleaded, and he begged, and he cried at Julian’s feet while Julian stroked his hair with too-harsh fingers and brought him up for a short, short hug before punching him in the stomach, hard enought to leave a bruise, a bruise in a place that could not be seen. Julian was smart. 

“Don’t want to mess up your pretty little face now, do we?” 

And when Julian had fucked him that night, Isak thanked god for the bruises, he thanked god that Julian still wanted him, wanted his body, and he was willing to take it all if it meant he was loved. 

So Isak sat in the kitchen, ate his cereal, and felt sad. The memories of that night made him wince, but he wished Julian would return, oh how he wished Julian were standing in front of him, giving him the attention he so desperately craved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm still trying to develop the relationship between Isak and Julian, and how much different Isak feels when he's with Even (even though he barely knows him) to when he's with Julian. I'm sorry for all the sadness ahhh I promise it will get better, I promise. 
> 
> In the next chapter I am going to get into Jonas and what happened between him and Isak, and maybe Isak might start opening up????? Who the fuck knows. 
> 
> Your comments really really do make my day, so please, comments are always welcome!! Tell me what you think is going to happen next ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! Isak is a total roller coaster in this chapter so prepare yourself. I feel like this is not really my best work, I was really tired but I really wanted to update. Hopefully it makes sense. 
> 
> Thanks for reading

Isak stared,shocked, as Julian stumbled through the front door. He swallowed the milk still on his tongue. 

“Julian?” 

Julian looked around the room, like he was trying to locate the sound and when his eyes locked on Isak he broke out into a grin. 

“Isak!” He sounded happy. Genuinely happy. Isak was confused beyond belief but welcomed him with open arms. “Isak I missed you so much.” 

“I...I missed you too.” Isak cradled Julian’s head from where it rested on his shoulder and the stench of alcohol reached his nose. Julian was drunk, incredibly drunk. 

He pulled back suddenly like he remembered something important. “Hey I…” Julian paused and his face took on a thoughtful look. “I-I missed you. And I wanted to stay away. God, I wanted to stay away but I couldn’t! I couldn’t stay away from you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I thought about your skin, and your lips, and  _ Jesus  _ I just-I love you so much.” Julian groaned. “I love you.” 

He burrowed himself in Isak’s shoulder again and was clinging tightly, pulling him down with his arms and maneuvering himself like he wanted to climb Isak. 

Isak nearly fell of his chair. 

“Julian, hey, Julian stop. What are you doing?”

“I want to cuddle. Can we just cuddle please?” Julian started licking Isak’s neck and soon enough he was curled up in his lap like a fucking kitten. 

“Julian!” Isak laughed. “You’re so drunk. Let’s cuddle in the bedroom okay?” 

“No I wanna cuddle you here! I missed you so much!” Julians words were slurred. 

“You just saw me like a day ago!” Isak was still laughing, giggling, as Julian stroked his arms and his face and his hair, and anywhere he could reach. 

“Yes, yes, I did. But...but I wasn’t going to come back. No, I was going to leave you. I don’t remember why...why would I ever leave you? God, Isak you’re so damn soft.” He licked his neck again. 

Isak shuddered at the sensation and he clung a little bit to Julian as well. His voice took on a somewhat serious tone. He whispered in Julian’s ear. “Don’t leave me, Julian. Please don’t leave me.” Isak shut his eyes and hugged Julian close, and Julian relaxed in his arms. Isak didn’t know how long they stayed like that for, but he eventually heard a snore come from Julian. He had fallen asleep in his lap. 

Isak sighed and carried him to their bed, nearly falling over with the weight of his boyfriend. When he had changed his clothes and tucked Julian in bed he whispered again in his ear. 

“Please don’t leave me. I don’t know who I would be without you.” 

.

Julian stayed. He didn’t remember what he had said in his drunken state (at least he claimed not to remember) but he had stayed. 

He told Isak that he was disappointed, but he saw no use in thinking about it now. “What’s in the past is in the past. We always end up back together anyway.” Isak thanked the gods. 

. 

Isak had to go to work soon, but despite the thoughts looming in his head about how hard it would be to deal with everyone’s problems, how hard it always was, he was feeling bubbly. He felt light because he was with Julian, in public, walking around the supermarket and buying vegetables. Fucking  _ vegetables. _ Isak never knew so much happiness could bloom inside of him simply because his boyfriend was proud enough of him to show him off. To kiss him on the cheek while they walked through the isles, hand in hand. Isak blushed every time. He blushed and he squeezed Julian’s hand and he giggled like a lovesick fool when Julian whispered in his ear about how cute he looked in his new sweater. 

He loved being out in the open like this with his gorgeous boyfriend. He loved how caring Julian was when they were in public, how he cradled his hand softly and kissed him like he loved him. Kissed him how Isak craved to be kissed. Isak loved how Julian was with him in public, so long as Isak behaved. And behave he did. Isak acted like the perfect boyfriend. 

Of course, even Isak had his weaknesses. 

When they passed the frozen isle Isak’s eyes landed on the chocolate fudge brownie ice cream and  _ fuck _ , it sounded so damn good his stomach literally growled. It was so loud Isak’s pretty sure he saw a few heads turn his direction. 

Julian looked at Isak. “See something you like?” he said with laughter in his voice. 

“Yeah,” Isak said in return. He hadn’t given his answer any thought. It had just slipped. His voice was airy, and if Isak didn’t know any better he would say it sounded full of lust. Lust? For fucking ice cream? Yes, Isak decided it was lust. He really wanted that ice cream. He wanted to indulge in his favorite dessert for the first time in a long time. He knew it was stupid, he really knew that, but he had to have that ice cream. It would mean the world to him. It would lift him up when he was feeling down about work, it would make him happier. 

“What do you want baby? Anything for you.” 

Isak pointed with a shaky finger at the top shelf of the freezer section. There sat the ice cream. It looked almost ominous as it stared at Isak. He wanted it so badly, and Julian was so happy, he had faith things would go his way. 

Julian followed Isak’s finger with his eyes. When he saw what Isak was pointing at his face morphed into something between angry and tired. 

“No, we’re not getting that.” 

Isak’s heart fell. It fell right onto the floor and as Julian pulled him along he stepped on it. 

“Please? Just this one time? We never get dessert.” Isak sounded like a whining baby and he knew it. 

“No.”

“But-”

“No.”

“But I promise I’ll eat healthy every day I just want one thing I-”

Julian spun on his heels and got in Isak’s face. “What do you not understand about my answer? I said no.” 

Isak felt dumb. He felt so dumb. He was fighting for something pointless. Ice cream didn’t really matter. But he wanted it. And for once he was feeling brave. He felt like today he could take on Julian, maybe even win. Because the ice cream wasn’t nothing to him. To him it was a victory, something worth fighting for. 

Isak’s voice hardened. “I just want one thing Julian. We’re buying the damn ice cream.”

Julian was surprised. “You can’t talk to me like that!” He sounded flustered, but not in a good way. “I make the decisions in our house! Once you start fucking eating trash like that you’re gonna get fat, Isak.”

Isak put his hand on his tummy. It felt almost hallow, like there was nothing in it. He thought about the way he looked, his hip bone that was only covered by skin, no flesh, the way you could count his ribs. 

Isak was thin. He was very, very thin. And it was because of Julian. Julian liked his body the way it was. And Isak cared about what Julian thought of his body. Isak only wanted to please his boyfriend, after all. 

But, Isak felt a little bit different than he normally did, standing there facing a fuming Julian. He felt...stronger than normal. He felt like he deserved this one thing in his life. 

_ He deserved to be hugged.  _

Thoughts of Even poured into Isak’s mind. Even who had told him that he cried because of Julian, Even who had let Isak sleep in his bed and hugged Isak simply because he was, well, because he was Even. Isak could think of no other reason. Even had a kind heart, and although he barely knew him at all, Even’s simple tenderness and affection for Isak felt like one of the realest things Isak had ever known. 

Even was making Isak feel strong. He wasn’t there with Isak, he wasn’t holding Isak’s hand, but Isak could  _ feel _ him. Fuck, that sounded weird, but Isak almost felt like Julian was not intimidating, that maybe he shouldn’t listen to every single thing he says. Maybe he could get his fucking ice cream and Julian could deal with it. 

“I’m not fat.”

“You’re not fat  _ yet _ , Isak. But once you start eating desserts all the time, once you start eating shit like that, you’re going to gain weight. And I don’t want to be with someone who looks like a...looks like that!” Julian raised an outstretched finger past Isak. Isak didn’t have to look to know he was pointing to someone who was overweight. 

Isak clenched his jaw and breathed heavily through his nose. Julian could insult him all he wanted, but when he started pissing on other people Isak snapped a little inside. 

“I’m buying the ice cream.”

Isak felt a sense of pride swell through his bones when Julian’s jaw dropped. Not the same pride he had felt earlier when he was walking hand in hand with Julian, but a different pride. It was such a small thing, ice cream, but for Isak it felt huge.  _ He _ had done it. Before he felt pride because of something Julian was doing. Julian was showing him off, but now he had done something he wanted. He had stood up to Julian, he had said what he wanted, and now he was going to get something for himself and-

Julian’s hand was a blur as it wizzed in the air and slapped Isak across the face. 

The ring on his middle finger hurt the most. 

Isak didn’t fall, but he did falter. He had to take a couple of steadying steps backwards and when he came to his senses, the sting on his cheek was sharp and tender. 

His pride was gone. He felt like a shell once again. 

“Isak!” Isak watched as Jonas materialized before him, most likely he just walked up but Isak’s eyes were playing tricks on him, still fuzzy from the assault on his face. 

“Isak, hey, it’s good to see you. You must be Isak’s boyfriend.” Jonas stepped protectively in front of Isak and held his hand out for Julian to shake. 

Jonas had seen what Julian had done. Isak knew it. But he was pretending that he hadn’t. Why? Why did everyone always pretend? But Isak knew that people prefered the awkwardness that followed pretending you hadn’t seen anything than the complications that came with saying you had. So Isak cowered behind Jonas and was filled with a mixed feelings of gratitude, fear, and irritation. 

“Jonas, it is nice to meet you, but Isak and I were in the middle of something.”

“Oh really? I was so hoping to steal Isak away for a while. I haven’t seen him in such a long time and I really wanted to catch up with him, I’m sure you understand.”    
Jonas’ voice was on the verge of angry. On the verge of  _ if you don’t agree to what I say then I’m going to punch you in the face. _ And Julian knew. He knew that Jonas knew, and Jonas knew that Isak knew. The three boys stood in the isle of the supermarket, close to the chips that Isak loves, well, used to love, and they all seemed frozen. Isak was still behind Jonas’s protective stance, and he wasn’t sure who was going to budge first, Jonas or Julian. They both looked like they would stand there forever if they have to, but after only a few seconds Julian took a step back. 

“You know what? It’s not fucking worth it,” he spat out, glaring at Isak. “Have fun with your friend.”

Isak watched as Julian walked out and when Jonas turned around to face him he let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. 

“Hey Isak.”

Isak flinched. Jonas’ voice sounded careful with a hint of pride. Like he was afraid he would break Isak, yet proud of himself for  _ saving _ him. 

“I didn’t need your help, you know.” Isak’s walls started to build immediately. 

“Oh…” Jonas was lost for words. 

“I can take care of myself. I don’t really need someone to...protect me.”

“I wasn’t trying to-”

“Yeah, yeah you were. You were trying to protect me so you could...feel good about yourself, and feel like you’ve done something good and helpful and courageous today.” Jonas made a move to speak but Isak held up his hand, silencing him. “It’s okay. It really is. I understand. Everyone wants reasons to feel like they are needed. I understand, I really do.” Isak nods at Jonas and then he walks away. His conversation with Julian did not end well, to put it easily, and Isak needs to get home to him as fast as he can. Before Julian has time to think, to let his feelings overtake him. 

Just as Isak expected, Jonas came after him and stopped him with a hand on his arm. 

“Isak wait! I didn’t do that for myself! Fuck, I-I wanted to help you. I saw what your boyfriend was doing to you, and how he was talking to you, and that’s-that’s not okay. He wasn’t being...nice to you.” Jonas sounded exasperated, and Isak could tell that he was struggling to express his feelings. Trying not to offend Isak further while also trying to say how he feels about the situation. 

“Jonas, it really doesn’t matter. Just let me walk away.” 

Jonas didn’t let go of his arm. 

“No!” Jonas looks like he shocked even himself with the strength of his voice. He gathered himself quickly, speaking slower this time. “No. He hit you. That’s not okay in any situation.”

“You really don’t understand our relationship. You don’t even  _ know _ me anymore, Jonas. I’ve seen you, what, like twice since high school and you suddenly feel the need to tell me what’s okay and what’s not okay in a relationship that you don’t even understand? You don’t even-you don’t even know the name of my boyfriend do you?”

Jonas looked down shamefully. 

“That’s what I thought. You really don’t have any place to tell me how to live my life.” Isak didn’t realize he had gotten so close to Jonas but when he took in his surroundings he was an inch away from his face. He took a step back. “Just leave me alone.”

Jonas would not give up. While Isak was walking out the door he heard his voice again. 

“I’m sorry. I just-let me make it up to you. Please. I’m so sorry for...everything.”

Isak knew he was apologizing for much more than just that day. Isak sighed and he let his body feel the weight of his mind and his muscles. He felt the tiredness seeping through his skin and he looked at Jonas’ eyes. Jonas’ beautiful eyes. Some things never change. 

“Okay.” Isak was so tired, he didn’t want to fight anymore. “I have to go to work but I’m done at six. Do you still have my phone number? I never changed it.” 

“Of course I do.” Jonas looked full of guilt. “Of course I do.”

 

.

 

The first thing Isak noticed when Vilde walked in was her hair. 

“Wow,” he said, a grin in his voice. “I really love your hair like that.”

Vilde beamed at him and Isak couldn’t help but notice how happy she looked today. “Thank you! I was really scared of cutting the bangs and I wasn’t sure it turned out very nice but I’ve always wanted to do it…”

“I think you look beautiful.” 

Vilde blushed. “Stop it.” 

Vilde seemed to be in a really, really good place at that moment. She was radiating happiness, and she had done something for herself, something small, but Isak was sure bangs were no small feat in her mind. He watched as she sat down and her happiness seeped out onto him. He was soon smiling just as brightly as she was and the incident from earlier with Julian was far in the back of his mind. 

“How are you?” 

“I’m good,” Vilde said, nodding at Isak. “I feel really good.” 

“I’m happy to hear it. Did you see David this week?”

“Um, yes. But...not as much as last week.” 

“That’s good. I’m proud of you.” 

“Can we not talk about David today?” 

“We can talk about whatever you want to talk about.”

“Do you remember...do you remember that time when we got really high and we were at that one restaurant? I can’t remember what it’s called...” Isak thought for a second but shook his head and motioned for Vilde to continue. “We were eating pancakes, I think, and you spilled syrup all over your lap. And it, honest to god, it looked like you pissed your pants. And I just-I remember laughing so damn hard I fell out of my chair. And we were kicked out of the restaurant, like straight up I’m 90% sure that lady kicked me while I was leaving. And we were just laughing and laughing outside and then my sister showed up.”

Isak didn’t freeze when Vilde mentioned her sister. He supposed it was just one of those days. One of the days where Vilde was okay to talk about her sister with him. She always missed her,  _ god _ , she missed her every second, but Isak knew that sometimes it felt okay to her. Sometimes she could talk freely and tell stories with a smile on her face. Isak was glad today was one of those days. 

“My sister showed up and she knew like immediately. She could just tell that we were out of it and I was so terrified of what she would think-I looked up to her so much, you know?-but she just snickered and gave us a ride to the mall...it was a surreal experience. And then-and then, do you remember what you did when we got to the mall?” 

Vilde was already laughing when Isak began to answer. “I made out with a manikin.” 

Vilde burst out in laughter and Isak shook his head while he giggled right along with her. 

“You were like in love with that manikin Isak! You were not just kissing it, you were full on groping it! And my sister just stood there with her mouth open and she said...fuck, how did she phrase it?” 

“She said ‘Even though your friend is gay, that’s so damn hot, I’d bang him all day.’” 

Vilde was clutching her stomach she was laughing so hard. 

“Your sister was a real poet, Vilde.”

“Yeah, she really enjoyed rhyming, I think she thought it made her words sound more meaningful, but of course I don’t know if there’s that much meaning to be found in being turned on by a guy making out with a manikin.”

“Excuse me!” Isak said. “I think that is the most meaningful thing anyone can do.” 

“Sure, sure. Whatever.” Vilde paused and Isak noticed the peaceful look on her face. “When we were kids my mom used to try and teach us how to bake, she really loved baking, especially cupcakes. But we would always end up just smearing each other’s faces with batter and rolling around on the floor, wrestling with each other for the spoon full of frosting.” 

Isak smiled. “That’s really sweet. How is your mom?”

Vilde shrugged. “I haven’t seen her in two years, you know that.” 

“I do, I just thought I would ask.” Isak pondered for a moment and thought about his own mother. His dad had left long ago and put his mother in a home. Isak hadn’t seen her in many, many years. 

“I’m sure she misses you,” Isak said, feeling guilty as the words came out of his mouth. His mom missed him as well, he knew it. 

“Yeah, I’m sure she does. I’m just not ready to face her yet.” 

“That’s okay.” 

“She would love you, Isak. She would love you so much.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, of course. You’re one of the kindest people I know.” 

Vilde smiled softly and Isak’s heart felt so full he was afraid it might burst. 

 

.

 

Isak walked into the coffee shop and looked around for Jonas. Jonas had called him as soon as he was finished with work and although Isak was feeling skeptical about meeting up with him, his fear of going to Julian was stronger. It had been so long since the supermarket, Isak knew that Julian would be angry. So he went to the coffee shop and searched for his old friend. 

When he spotted Jonas he walked over and sat down, feeling the tension in the air. 

“Hi,” Jonas said.

“Hi.”

“I got you a coffee.” 

Isak took a sip and he didn’t know weather to cry or laugh out loud. Jonas had gotten him exactly what he wanted, he still remembered. 

Isak decided not to comment on it and just said a simple “thank you” in response. 

“I-I just want to apologize for earlier. I was totally out of line, I didn’t know what I was doing and-”

“It’s okay.” Jonas sounded like he had been preparing what to say for a while. But Isak was in a kind mood, talking to Vilde had brightened him. “It’s in the past now. It’s forgiven, it’s forgotten.” 

Jonas looked shy. “I really am sorry.” 

Isak just smiled in return. “How are you Jonas?” 

“I’m fine.”

“What have you been doing lately?” 

“I...I have a girlfriend. She’s amazing.” 

“That’s awesome,” Isak said, going full therapist mode. “I’m happy for you.” 

“Thank you. What about you? What’s going on in your life?”

Isak was a little taken aback by a question about himself, but he quickly recovered. “I have a really good job.” He thought of something else to say but came up blank. He didn’t want to bring up Julian, and that was his life in a nutshell, work, and Julian. 

“That’s cool. What do you do?” 

Isak should be used to it by now, but he still was surprised that Jonas knew almost nothing about him. 

“I’m a therapist.”

“Oh. Really? Wow.” 

“Yeah it’s...it’s nice to help people.” 

“That’s really cool. Must be very rewarding.” 

The conversation hit a very, very awkward pause. Isak looked anywhere but Jonas’ eyes and took small sips of his coffee to have something to do. Jonas did the same. 

Jonas eventually broke the silence. “Remember when we went to that cabin with Eva?” 

“And I walked in on you two having sex?”

“We were not having sex!” 

Isak raised his eyebrows. 

“Okay, well, we were _ planning  _ on having sex. That trip was a fucking disaster. Eva was pissed most of the time.” 

“Yeah, not one of the best things we’ve ever done.” 

Both boys were giggling then and Isak felt almost like things could be easy between them, almost like they were back at the cabin and they were still friends. Almost. He couldn’t forget what Jonas had done. How he had fucked him over.

“Listen Isak, I...I really wanted to say I’m sorry. Not for today but for what happened in high school.” Jonas sat for a moment and collected his thoughts. “I was immature back then and I didn’t know how to...help you. I didn’t-I was so self-centered. And I didn’t even think about what was going on, and how much of a dick friend I was being. And you’re a therapist now, you help people every day. And I have nothing to show. I’m between jobs at the moment, I just got fired because I was fucking-I was fucking smoking weed on the job. Like, I just look at myself and I realize what a piece of shit I am, like I thought I would quit as soon as high school ended but here I am...but that’s beside the point. You were always so good to me, you always supported me and helped me with whatever I was going through, and then when you needed me most I just-I fucked up big time. I don’t have any excuse for how I acted but I do hope that you know that I am, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry and I wish, oh how I wish I could go back in time. And I see you now, and what I saw while you were with your boyfriend, it really broke me. Maybe I could have stopped that, maybe if I had done the right thing back then-”

“My boyfriend?” Isak sat, mouth agape, shocked that Jonas would even bring him up. He had been doing so well, the therapist in Isak was so proud of him, but Julian wasn’t  _ wrong, _ he wasn’t someone who should have been  _ stopped. _

“I just think that you should be with someone who loves you and maybe it’s the same as what happened in high school, maybe-”

“Julian is nothing like Chris. Chris is a piece of shit who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and Julian  _ does _ love me.” Isak stood up so fast that his chair was knocked backward. He huffed, and although he was angry, he still paused to pick it up and put it back in place. He then stormed out and before he reached his home he collapsed in the middle of the sidewalk and sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome :) 
> 
> I feel like maybe I'm not even making any sense, so please tell me your thoughts! I'm sorry I went so long on the ice cream thing I just really wanted to show Isak's inner struggle and the mix of emotions that he feels. It's honestly kind of hard to portray Isak how I want to, putting the words on paper seem so much much more of a mess than what's in my head and I don't even know how many of you are reading this...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me please, I haven't re-read this, so if there are any errors I do apologize. This coming week is my finals for school (it's my last year of high school yay) and I have been incredibly busy, but I managed to find a little bit of time to write. Hope you like it. 
> 
> Be kind always.

“Isak oh my god! Are you okay?”

Isak jolted awake and his head hit the hard wall behind him.

Even kneeled in front of him. “Isak, what are you doing here? What happened?” His hands cupped his cheeks and his fingers brushed his face where Isak was sure there were tear marks. His face was probably still wet considering how much he had cried.

After he left Jonas he broke and fell in the middle of the sidewalk. His heart wanted someone, anyone, to ask him if he was okay, to show even a tiny ounce of affection towards him. But nobody did, just as he expected. When his eyes were clear enough to see he noticed the looks people were giving him as they passed him on both sides. Their eyes were a mix of emotions, judgement, disgust, pity. But none of them stopped. All of them felt something, Isak could see it, but nobody took the time to stop, took the time to simply say something,  _ anything _ . Isak hated them all.

He had become a little frantic. The thoughts in his head were jumbled and he felt like he had just endured a whirlwind. Before he understood what was happening his feet had led him to the front door of Even. Even, who’s last name he didn’t even know. But his mind cleared for a couple of seconds and he was suddenly overcome with fear. He couldn’t knock on Even’s door. He didn’t even remember how he got there. Even would probably think he was some freak, showing up at his door with tears in his eyes. So instead he sat with his back against the wall and let his emotions overtake him. He was going through a blender. One second he believed one thing with his whole heart and the next second he was accusing himself of thinking dumb, irrational, stupid thoughts.

So he sat there. And he waited. He waited, and waited, until the storm in his mind died down and he was left feeling nothing, thinking of nothing at all, just staring with open eyes at nothing. He waited until it felt as if his body had no more tears to give. And then he felt exhaustion. Not gradually, like he normally did, but all at once. Suddenly he was so exhausted he could hardly keep his eyes open, so he closed them. He could hardly keep his head up, so he let it fall to the side. And from there, well, he must have fallen asleep.

Even stroked his face and whispered soft words to him that he didn’t hear. When Even stood and tried to pull Isak with him Isak stayed on the floor. His body was limp, his limbs were weak, and when Even bent down to pick Isak up he didn’t even have a chance to gasp, instead he just let himself be carried and he curled into Even when Even placed him down on the couch and sat next to him.  Even continued to stroke his hair, and his face, and his back, and Isak felt all of his emotions bubble to the surface because of Even’s gentle touches. All of the confusion, and anger, and sadness hit him full force and he started sobbing.

Isak couldn’t believe he was crying again. Every single time he has been with Even he has cried. And Isak can’t help but punish himself in his brain. He can’t help but want to hit himself for showing so much weakness, for completely falling apart every time Even holds him in his arms.

Isak pulled away. Sobs wracked his body and he used his hands to cover his eyes. He was no longer touching Even and it was like he could finally breathe, like he could finally stop the swell of emotions inside him that made him cry and sob and cling to Even like he was his lifeline. So he took a breath. And he felt a tiny, small part of his walls begin to build again. And Isak felt like that was how it was supposed to be, like he was supposed to be a man and stop showing so much fucking emotion. So he dug the heels of his hands into his eyes until they stung. And it felt good, it felt real, and he felt like he was in control again.

And when Even’s hands wrapped softly around Isak’s wrists and pulled his hands away, Isak felt lost again. He looked into Even’s eyes and he saw the conflict of emotions, the want to envelop and hug Isak, but the uncertainty of whether or not Isak wanted that. But Isak wasn’t too sure himself.

However, Isak was not the only one who was good at reading people.

“It’s okay to cry, you know.” Even spoke softly and thoughtfully and it was like he knew Isak’s thoughts. “I don’t know if it’s my place, but, it’s okay to cry.”

And then Even pulled Isak back towards him, searching his eyes for any signs that he didn’t want this.

But Isak gave him none. Instead he let himself be surrounded by Even’s comfort, and almost instantly the walls he was struggling to build crumbled. He sobbed. He sobbed and clung to Even’s shirt and when he tried to speak all that came out was gasps.

It was just like that night in the bathroom, only this time Isak wasn’t drunk. His mind was clear of alcohol, but his thoughts were overwhelming.

And Even waited patiently, he waited for Isak to calm down without saying anything critical or harsh. He just held him in his arms like he was precious.

“Why are you-why are you so kind to me?” Isak choked out, his face buried in Even’s neck. “All I ever do is cry around you.”

“Everyone deserves kindness.”

Everyone.  _ Everyone. _ Everyone, including Isak. Isak shrinks a little inside of himself.

“I don’t. I don’t deserve kindness.”

Even took Isak’s face in his hands and brushed his nose against his. His eyes were serious and sad and blue, so blue, as he looked at Isak. “Yes you do. You deserve all the kindness in the world.” Isak couldn’t help but think of Even’s words as corny. But he felt them in his heart all the same. “You deserve love and tenderness and you deserve to feel happy.”

“I do feel happy.”

Even stroked Isak’s cheek with such gentleness Isak nearly thought it was a feather. He didn’t say anything but his eyes were still full of sorrow.

Isak waited a beat. Then he blurted out, “I think I’m lying!” It was like the words were not formed in his brain, but instead they just slipped passed his lips and formed in the air. “I think I’m lying. Julian hit me today...and...and that’s normal but I didn’t-I didn’t feel happy...then. But he was being so kind, and he was so proud of me and I was so happy then. I was so, so happy. And then I felt like that feeling was ripped away from me...by the person who gave it to me in the first place. And I don’t-I don’t know what’s real. So, I think I’m lying. But I don’t know for sure.” Isak’s face had traveled back to Even’s neck and he sat there, dazed, unable to comprehend what he had just said. It was like his mouth had a mind of it’s own, and the thoughts whirling in his head were so mushed he couldn’t sense direction.

“I-I don’t know why I told you that.”

“Isak, oh Isak.” Even was tender with him and he cradled him in his arms. “Where did he hit you?”

Isak burrowed further into Even’s neck and tried to hide from it, to ignore it like he always had, brush it off like it was nothing, when it really bruised his heart as well as his body. But Even was giving him strength, he was holding him and he was taking some of his pain away. So Isak lifted his head and pointed to his cheek, his eyes squeezed shut.

He gasped when he felt Even’s lips on his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Isak. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“It’s okay,” Isak said, and it was an automatic answer, something that came as naturally as breathing.  _ It’s okay. _

“It’s not okay, Isak. It’s not okay to be treated like this.”

And when Even said the words, Isak’s mind didn’t lash out, he didn’t feel the need to defend Julian and prove that he loved him. Instead he just breathed and let the words hang in the air. He let himself believe them for a moment, that it  _ wasn’t _ okay. Because things don’t always need to be okay, life doesn’t always have to be perfect.

And Isak thought about this. He thought about the time Julian had gotten terribly angry and pushed Isak so hard that he had tripped and hit his shoulder on the counter, the very sharp counter in their kitchen. And Isak was feeling brave, brave and loved. So he pulled the sleeve of his shirt up to reveal a nasty looking scar, and he heard Even’s breath hitch.

Isak waited, he waited and he begged that Even would kiss this pain away. He wished with all his heart to feel Even’s lips on his skin. But they never came. So Isak locked eyes with Even and when he saw that Even was crying as well, staring at Isak’s scar, Isak began to worry.

_ No, no, no, you can’t be crying too. One of us has to be strong. _

But then with a jolt Isak realized something. Even still was. He still was strong. Just because he was crying didn’t make him any less strong. So Isak let Even cry, and he let himself cry, and they sat together on the couch, entangled with messy hearts and wet faces.

And when Even kissed his shoulder softly Isak’s heart soared.

Even spoke, and now it was his face that was buried in Isak’s neck. “I want to say so many things but I don’t know how to say them.”

“Can you just hold me? Do we have to say anything?”

“Of course I can hold you.”

Isak melted.

And Isak tried desperately to calm his confusion, his fear, his feelings that he couldn’t label. But they still overtook him. And when they reached his skin Even’s fingers took them away. Even stroked Isak’s back and his hair and Isak felt a sense of content seeping into his body. Soon he was almost asleep on Even’s shoulder.

Before Isak fell asleep he briefly hoped he wouldn’t drool on Even’s shirt. And it felt like such an innocent, simple thought, it made him smile a bit.

 

.

 

Even kissed it again and isak panted. He panted and squirmed and arched his back, begging to be closer to Even’s mouth. Isak’s hand travelled from Even’s shoulder to the hair on the back of his head and he pulled him closer to his chest, closer and closer until Even’s nose was squished and Isak heard a small giggle come from his mouth. 

Isak never knew laughing during sex was a thing. He had never experienced it before. And right now he wanted it so badly, he wanted to laugh and giggle and smile while Even was absolutely wrecking him. He wanted to feel happiness and pleasure all at once, he wanted everything, and it finally felt possible with Even lying between his legs. It was finally an option for Isak to think about what he  _ wanted _ , and not simply take whatever he was given.

Isak gasped when Even bit down on his nipple. He heard Even giggle again and in order for him to do that he had to let go with his teeth. Even lifted his head up with a big grin on his face.

“You’re so damn cute,” Even said, looking Isak in the eye and smiling at him.

Isak just stared back, mouth still open and still panting. “Even,” he said in the most serious tone he could muster under the current state his brain was in. “Why did you stop?”

“To tell you you’re adorable,” Even said simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

And Isak loved it, he loved that Even thought he was adorable. But  _ god _ , at that moment he loved Even’s mouth on him more.

So Isak just scoffed and pushed Even’s head back down to where it was. Even continued giggling until his lips hit Isak’s pink flesh and he started sucking. He licked and sucked and bit like he was eating fucking candy. And Isak could not hold still beneath him. Every pull of his teeth, every touch of his tongue or his lips sent jolts of pleasure straight to Isak’s dick. Isak thrust his hips up, searching for friction but finding none. This caused Even to giggle again.

“I swear to god, Even, if you stop one more time-”

Isak’s breath was cut short as Even wrapped his big, soft, silky hand around him and started jerking. Isak moaned like a porn star.

“Fuck.”

Isak looked down and when he saw Even’s blown pupils staring back at his own he came. Pleasure shot through his entire body, all the way to his fucking fingertips and as he squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back he is nearly certain that he heard Even whisper a soft  _ I love you. _

Isak jolted awake and he stayed still for a second, feeling blissfully fucked out and content. Then he felt the stickiness in his boxers.

“Fuck.”

The dream came-haha  _ came _ -rushing back to him and he instantly felt flushed. He just had a dream, a  _ wet  _ dream, about Even. Isak felt dirty, he felt like he had done something wrong. After all, he did just have a dream about Even kissing his nipples and stroking his dick-and Isak was _ not _ getting aroused, absolutely not-and this was the night after Even had kissed his cheek and his shoulder with only Isak’s comfort in mind. So Isak felt dirty, he felt like he had used Even. But that had not been his purpose of course.  _ Dreams have a mind of their own, _ Isak supposed.

So he let himself think. For a second. He remembered the feel of Even’s lips on his skin, the feel of his hand around his-

No, Isak would not think of those things. He was going to bury that dream in the back of his mind, the far, far back corner where he would never find them again. It was Even, for god sake. Even had been so kind to him, had comforted him and hugged him and let him sleep in his own bed, and what did Isak give him in return? He had rutted his hips into his bed and moaned his name in his sleep. Isak was ashamed. Fuck, what would Even think if he knew? Would he-

Isak turned his head quickly to Even’s side of the bed and sighed in relief when there wasn’t an Even staring at him with wide eyes. He must have slept on the couch, Isak wasn’t exactly coherent when he fell asleep, he didn’t remember much of what Even had said.

Isak flushed for a different reason then. He had told Even something he had never told anyone. He had opened his heart a little and Even had been so understanding and kind and  _ loving, _ and Isak didn’t know how to make sense of it. It had felt nice, so, so, nice, to give himself up a tiny bit and to let someone else help him carry his burdens, but it also felt so, so, wrong. Isak felt like he didn’t deserve that, and deep down his brain was still trying to convince him that he did deserve how Julian treated him, and Even was too good for him in every way.

Isak sighed, tried his best to forget his emotions for a minute and got out of bed. He flinched when he felt the stickiness in his boxers. He couldn’t ask Even to borrow a pair, then he would ask questions, so instead Isak let himself into the bathroom and did his best to clean them on his own. They were still sticky and after a few “ _ Fuck” _ s Isak gave up. He then travelled to the kitchen (waddling like a penguin), where he was sure to find Even.  

And there he was. A sight to behold, standing in front of the stove and swaying his hips to the rhythm of...Isak almost laughed out loud when he recognized the song that was playing.

“Cuz I feel like bustin’ loose, and I feel like touchin’ you, uh, uh.” Even sang the words under his breath, almost like it was second nature, and he bounced on his feet to the rhythm of  _ Hot in Herre _ by Nelly. He reared up for the chorus and when it dropped he used the wooden spoon he had in his hand for cooking as a microphone. “It’s getting hot in here, so hot, so take off all your clothes!” (He then raised his voice an octave) “I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.” Even attempted to dance to the hip hop song, but he failed miserably. Isak just smiled and watched him totally be himself, literally dancing like nobody was watching. He looked so happy, so lost in his own mind, dancing in his kitchen, and Isak almost felt bad. He felt bad for dragging him down, for making him deal with his shit last night, when instead he could have been oblivious to Isak and had stayed in the happiness of his own life.

Isak’s smile was gone, but Even’s dancing was not. And as he bounced and grooved and spun, he spun right around to face Isak.

“Oh, sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to watch I was just looking for some food…”

Even just smiled in return and danced his way over to Isak, still singing. He completely ignored Isak’s comment and instead he grabbed his hands in his own and continued to dance, now swaying Isak’s hands as well. Isak couldn’t help but smile. He tried really, really hard not to, but a smile overtook his face and he started dancing right along side Even. Not nearly as enthusiastically of course, but still dancing.

Even twirled Isak and Isak let the music flow through his bones. He forgot everything except for the warmth of Even’s hands in his own. And when Even stopped spinning Isak in circles and pulled him close to his chest to sing the words so, so close to Isak’s ear, Isak’s heart stopped. His heart stopped and his breathing stopped and all he could feel was the warm breath coming from Even’s lips as he said “I am getting so hot I wanna take my clothes off.”

_ Fuck _ . This song was not seductive, not at all. Well, yes, perhaps the words sounded very seductive, especially to Isak, who, at that moment had a flashback from his dream of him panting and squirming in the sheets, but the rest of the song, the rhythm, the beat, was not seductive  _ at all _ . But Isak sure as hell felt like Even was seducing him. And he should not have been as turned on as he was, but, well, he was just that. Very turned on.

Just as quickly as the lyrics passed, Even stepped away, turned around, and began grinding his ass against Isak.

Isak nearly fainted.

He reached behind him for something to anchor him and when his hand reached the counter he gripped it hard.

Even didn’t even seem to notice what he was doing. Because then he moved away and started twerking, throwing his hands up in the air, and moving his head to the beat. He seemed so lost in his own world and Isak was entranced. He watched Even be himself completely and unapologetically, and he was so grateful for Even’s demeanor. Isak had been so nervous that Even would view him as something broken, something that needed to be fixed, and that Even would treat him completely different after Isak had shown him a small part of his story. But Even didn’t do that at all. Instead he danced with him in the kitchen, grinded his ass against him, and treated him like an equal, and Isak was so filled with gratitude. He knew that some people would want the person they spilled everything to to act differently the next day, to ask them questions about how they feel, and to be careful about how they act around them. But Isak didn’t want that. And it was like Even sensed this. It was like Even knew what Isak wanted so he gave it to him. He gave him singing in the kitchen while bacon was burning on the stove and Isak’s heart felt full from such a simple act.

However, when the song stopped and Isak seemed to recover from his trance he remembered three things, Julian, his dream, and the stickiness in his pants. To address the first, a few seconds ago it was as if Julian never existed. Isak had forgotten about him. He almost felt like Even was his, and he was Even’s and nobody stood between them. But then, Julian was back, making room for himself in Isak’s mind. To address the second, Isak’s dream seemed to come back full force, and he felt himself become incredibly, embarrassingly aroused just looking at Even. To address the third, he had forgotten his underwear, and the drying come on the inside, but when he focused his attention even a little he was so disgusted with himself and with his underwear he honestly was ready to strip right then and there. And that thought mixed with the thoughts of Even as well as Julian all in his head at once? Now that made for one weird combination.

“Isak, are you okay? You look a little bit flustered.” Even stepped closer to Isak, but Isak stepped away instinctively. He  _ was _ flustered, goddamnit! And having Even close to him wasn’t going to help him in the slightest.

“I’m okay,” Isak croaked out.

“Would you like some breakfast?” Even asked, turning back to the stove. He then muttered out a string of  _ shit shit shit shit  _ when he noticed the bacon was burned. “Oh no, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize, I wasn’t paying attention to the bacon. I hope it’s still okay.”

When Even glanced at Isak he just smiled softly, trying to reassure Even that anything he made would be okay. Even scurried around the kitchen gathering food and silverware and other items. When he was finished Isak was sitting down with a plate full of eggs, (burned) bacon, toast, and coffee, and he felt like crying.

“Thank you for breakfast,” Isak said, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “It’s really nice of you.” And wasn’t that the understatement of the century? In Isak’s eyes, this was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him, and it was such a small act, but it made him happy nonetheless.

“Of course.”

When blue eyes met green, Even turned his head down and blushed.

_ He looks cute when he’s blushing. _

When Isak finished his breakfast he felt out of place. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Should he leave? Should he return home to Julian? Should he stay? How should he act around Even?

So he just coughed a little cough and hoped Even would make up his mind for him. And Even did.

“Do you maybe want to watch a movie with me?” Even asked. And he sounded awkward and shy and Isak’s heart swelled. “I-I understand if you have to go, but if you want to stay, you can stay.”

So Isak stayed. He helped Even clean up the kitchen and it took a while, but once Even got into a flow of talking, he would not stop. He talked about movies. He talked about filming, and writing, and directing, and he talked about his hopes and dreams.

“I want to be a director, I’ve wanted that for a long time. But I also want to be a writer, I can’t really decide. I haven’t made much money so far, so I think my mom may be a little concerned, but I’m getting somewhere.”

Even snickered. “I do suppose my mother has a right to be concerned. It’s a difficult business.” Isak didn’t say anything, just nodded and continued to dry dishes as Even washed them and passed them to him.

“I’m currently working on a short film here in Oslo. It’s a very small production, but I somehow feel like it can change the world, you know? Well, ‘change the world’ is a bit pretentious, but I do think it can impact _ someone _ , you know what I mean? I know, I just know that someone out there is going to watch this and it will touch them the right way and make them feel something. And that’s all I really ask for. I want to make people feel something, I want to touch a couple of souls and leave my mark on the world in that respect.”

“What’s the short film about?” Isak was surprised to hear his own voice, but Even’s enthusiasm and obvious love for what he was doing was contagious.

“It’s a surprise!” Even sounded so excited. “I haven’t told anyone yet, not even my nagging mother.” Even laughed. “She has been begging me to know, but I won’t share the secret until she sees it. I think it’s much better if you watch it without knowing anyway. I think it’s more powerful that way.”

Isak hummed. “That sounds really cool,” he said in a small voice.

Even beamed. “I think so too.”

“So what are we watching today?”

“Anything you want to watch.”

Isak rolled his eyes and smiled. “You obviously know much more about movies than I do.”

“Well, I do suppose I cannot deny that fact.”

Isak smiled again. “So what are we watching then?”

Even thought for a moment. He thought for a long, long moment. In fact, he thought until both him and Isak were sitting together on the couch, the kitchen having been cleaned.

Even’s face lit up.

“Have you finally thought of a movie, Even,” Isak said, fake annoyance in his voice.

“Well, erm, no. But I did think of something. Do you want to use my shower? I’m sorry I didn’t ask before I just didn’t think about it…”

Isak jumped up from the couch and had to refrain himself from physically sprinting to the shower. His underwear was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and the prospect of a shower made him buzz with excitement.

“You must really like taking showers then, huh Isak?” Even’s voice was playful and Isak basked in it.

“I do,” he responded timidly.

“Here, let me lend you some clothes.” Even led Isak to his room and gave him a pair of sweatpants and a grey t-shirt with a flower etched onto the front.

He was about to leave when Isak spoke up. “Um...do you also have....”

“Oh! Yes, of course.” Even pulled something out from the drawer and there they were. The cleanest, most appealing pair of boxer briefs that Isak had ever laid eyes on. Jesus, Isak thought they were sparkling compared to what he currently had on.

He eagerly grabbed the underwear and made his way to the bathroom.

Let’s just say it was the greatest shower of his life.

He left the bathroom feeling content and strangely happy that he was wearing Even’s too-big clothes.

Isak sat next to Even on the couch and they smiled gently at each other.

“We’re going to watch Pride and Prejudice. It’s amazing. I promise you will love it.”

And when it started Isak didn’t even complain about how much he disliked Keira Knightley, about how irritated he was by Mrs. Bennet, and how rude he found Mr. Darcy. Instead he let himself be enveloped in the warmth of Even’s clothes and he scooted closer, until he was almost touching Even, and he smiled at himself.

.

 

And the next time Isak found himself on a couch, it wasn’t to watch a romance with Even. No, the next time he found himself on a couch it was tucked under Julian’s body and forced to do something he desperately wished not to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um...let me know what you think? 
> 
> Comments make my day and also let me know that someone out there is actually reading what I wrote.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took so damn long to write I had like a million ideas rolling around in my brain so hopefully I pieced it together ok. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.

Isak made himself moan and beg for more, because Even had broken him. And right then he craved attention over affection. So he screamed at Julian to go  _ harder _ and  _ deeper _ , while the only thoughts on his mind were those of Even, and a desperate wish to escape from under the body that was currently hurting him.

 

**Three days ago**

When Pride and Prejudice was finally over Isak didn’t even know because he was fast asleep on Even’s shoulder. 

And he slept for a long, long time. He was exhausted. Not only his body, but his soul. 

When he finally awoke he felt like falling asleep again. But with a glance at his surroundings he was confused as to why the TV was in the corner and not in the middle of the wall, why the couch was smaller than he remembered. And then it hit him. He should have been used to it, considering how often he ended up in Even’s arms these days, but it still took him a second to process that the warm body pressed against his back was not Julian’s, that the blanket covering him was not something he and Julian owned. 

He had moved in his sleep, and now he was laying with Even spooning him from behind. 

Even moved a little against his back and Isak decided to stay where he was. The main reason was because he couldn’t really move. Even’s arm was holding him close to his chest and Even’s leg was around his hip. 

Isak sighed because he felt so damn content right then. He just wanted to stay where he was forever. Even’s arms were warm and his body was soft and Isak didn’t feel scared or nervous, he just felt comfort. 

So he nestled a little bit closer and he heard Even groan behind him. Isak wondered if he was awake. Even pushed his nose up against the back of Isak’s neck and settled there, the warm breath making Isak’s skin burst out in gooseflesh. 

Isak stayed where he was and he slept again. Because why not? When you have the warm body of a boy curled around you, it’s almost impossible to move. 

When he opened his eyes again Even was gone. Isak shivered. He wanted to say something, wanted to call out Even’s name, but instead he scolded himself for the thought of even doing so. He could handle himself without Even for a couple of seconds, he was probably in the bathroom or something, Isak had nothing to worry about. 

A few seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into...well, more minutes. Isak started to get a little nervous so he eventually travelled off of the couch and began to explore the house. 

“Even?” he called out tentatively. No answer. He knocked on the bathroom door and padded over to the bedroom but there was no Even to be found. 

Isak didn’t allow himself to feel hurt yet. He didn’t want the pain in his heart yet, he had experienced it too many times. So instead of facing the reality he knew to be true, that Even had left him, had grown irritated and tired of him, instead of facing that reality Isak lied to himself. 

“He probably had an emergency. He probably had to go to the hospital...or he got called into work or something. Yeah, that sounds about right. He got called into work.” Isak whispered to himself, trying to make himself feel better, but his body betrayed him. He found his feet putting on shoes and his arms shrugging on his jacket. Because he knew it was true, deep down he knew that everyone left him eventually. 

As he was walking out the door, readying his poor heart to take more punches, the door opened. There stood Even. With a little brown bag in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. 

“Isak!” Even sounded surprised. “Are you leaving? I thought we could maybe watch some more tv, or maybe chill a little bit. I brought you coffee and a muffin. It’s from the little cafe a few blocks down. Honestly, it’s my favorite cafe, the people that work there are so nice and their food is soooooo good. I wasn’t sure what you liked so I just got you my favorite stuff.”

“I thought you left me.” Isak sounds broken, so broken. 

“No,” Even responds, his eyes sad. “I just got you some food. I wanted to tell you and maybe take you with me but you looked so peaceful and you were sleeping and you just looked so beautiful lying there-I mean...sorry I didn’t mean to say that-” 

Isak hugged Even. He wrapped his skinny arms around Even’s strong neck and he hugged him. 

Even hugged back just as hard. And neither let go until Isak felt very very hot liquid start to pour down his back. 

“Gah!” He yelled, stepping away from Even. “You spilled coffee on me!” 

“Oh no I’m sorry! I didn’t realize…” 

Both boys locked eyes, Isak with his back on fire and Even with a 75% full cup of coffee in his hand. And they burst out laughing. 

“You shouldn’t have hugged me so spontaneously! Give a guy a warning next time.”

“Oh, did you not want me to hug you?”

“No, no, no don’t get me wrong, I would love to hug you every second of every day but...I’m sorry I spilled on you.” 

“It’s okay.” Isak smiled as he said the words because this time it  _ was _ okay. This time he felt like he was on top of the world even though he was quite sure his back would never be the same. 

“Let’s get you some towels and some clean clothes,” Even said, breaking the little trance that the two boys were in. He led Isak to his bedroom and brought the food with him. He literally ran to his room and scurried around to to his bathroom and back to get a washcloth and some cream to soothe the burn. Isak’s heart grew ten sizes. 

“Here, I got everything, let me help you.”

But when Even reached for the shirt that Isak was currently wearing Isak became stiff with fear. Even had never seen him shirtless before. 

Isak slinked away from Even’s kind hands and whispered in a small voice. “I can do it by myself, thank you. I think I’ll just go to the bathroom and get cleaned up.” 

Isak felt Even’s eyes on his face, and while his own eyes were dancing around the room, unable to stay put on one thing, Even’s eyes were firm and sure. He stepped closer to Isak. 

“Let me help you.”

“No, it’s really fine, you’ve already done enough I-”

“Isak. Let me help you.” 

Even was close to him again, and when Isak’s eyes finally stopped moving and he took in a shaky breath, he decided to say “okay.” Because nowhere had ever felt as safe as Even’s arms, because he could still feel Even’s lips on his scars, soft and gentle and loving. Because Even wouldn’t judge him, he wouldn’t laugh in his face or mock him or look down on him. Because when Isak thought Even had left him, Even had only gone to buy him food. Because Even was kind and that kindness was written all over his face. 

“Okay.” Isak removed his shirt slowly, fighting the urge to push it back down and run away. But before he could even comprehend he stood before Even, shirtless, with not only his skin, but his heart on display. 

“Oh my god.”

And with those small words that Even uttered, Isak wanted to curl into a ball and disappear forever. Even sounded disappointed, offended even, and it was all from the simple act of Isak pulling off his shirt. So Isak moved to put his shirt back on but Even’s hands stopped him. 

“Isak. It’s okay. Let me take care of you. Please let me take care of you.” 

So Isak lowered his hands to his sides and, because it was all too much, he closed his eyes tight as Even went around him and began cleaning up the coffee on his skin. His touch felt so good, so caring and soft. Isak started to relax. And when he felt something even softer, something slightly wet and warm press between his shoulder blades, Isak gasped. He knew that there was a scar there, one that he felt sometimes while he was sleeping on his back, one that hurt to think about, and when Even pressed his lips against it just like he had last night, Isak gasped. 

Even was treating his body with nothing but tenderness. Even though Isak’s body was used and broken and full of scars, even though he was fragile and weak and thin, Even didn’t look at him with disgust. He only looked at him with tenderness. 

Isak’s emotions welled up inside of him, surged through him like the blood coursing through his veins. 

His head felt too heavy, so he let it drop back on Even’s shoulder, Even, who was close enough to him now that they were touching.

Even wrapped his arms around Isak’s middle and when their eyes met, Isak remembered the first night he had seen him, how beautiful he thought his eyes were. 

“You’re eyes are beautiful,” Isak said with an open heart. 

Even blushed. “Thank you,” he said, voice shaky. 

And there they stood, Isak with a burn on his back, and Even trying to comfort him with his own body. 

“I’m sorry I spilled coffee on you,” Even said again. 

“It’s okay.” 

With a sigh, Even let go. He let go reluctantly, like he was sad to let go, like he wanted to spend forever with Isak in his arms. 

He handed Isak a new shirt. Isak slipped it on and was so grateful that Even hadn’t asked about his appearance, about the marks and bruises, about how small and skinny his frame was. Isak wasn’t ready to talk about that yet, and it was like Even knew this. So Isak was grateful. 

The two boys sat on Even’s bed and when Even offered the muffin he had bought, Isak’s mouth watered.

Isak just stared at it, so eventually with a small chuckle, Even asked, “Do you want it Isak?”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, yes, I bought it for you.”

“But…”  _ but Julian wouldn’t let me eat something like this. _

Isak didn’t say the last part, instead he took the muffin wordlessly. 

The first bite was heaven. Isak moaned. 

“You look like someone who hasn’t eaten chocolate in years,” Even laughed. 

“I don’t eat sweets often,” Isak said, his mouth full of food. 

“I’m glad I could help.” 

Even stood up and returned to the bed with a laptop in his hand. 

“Let’s cuddle and watch Planet Earth 2.”

_ Who was this boy? _

They crawled under the covers together and when Even’s arm wrapped around Isak’s shoulders Isak didn’t feel nervous or scared, so he snuggled right up against Even from the start. He wasn’t sure what they were doing, but he felt nothing but comfort. 

“I think you’ll like this. It’s amazing. Like really fucking amazing.”

So Isak watched with his head lying comfortable on Even’s shoulder. 

“What’s it about?”

“It’s about earth, like animals and plants and stuff.”

“Sounds boring.”

“It’s not.”

Within the first few minutes Isak was entranced. “Holy shit Even, I had no idea sloths could swim! That’s amazing...oh my god that baby sloth is the cutest thing...look at how long their nails are!”

Even just laughed and nodded his head through Isak’s comments. When the swimming iguanas came on screen, Isak was hiding behind his hands. 

“Oh my god, oh my god, the baby iguana is gonna get eaten by those snakes! Even, tell me the snakes don’t get the iguana.”

“I don’t want to ruin it for you.”

“Just tell me!” 

“No, you have to watch,” Even said, booping Isak’s nose. 

Isak shooed his hand away. “Stop trying to distract me! A baby iguana is about to get-OH MY GOD. The snakes got him! What the fuck is this show Even?”

“It’s the circle of life.” 

“I don’t care about the circle of life! I’m so damn sad right now.” 

“Hey, it’s okay Isak. Keep watching.” 

So Isak did. And the next iguana escaped. Isak literally jumped out of the covers and threw his arms in the air. 

“Yes! Take that you fucking snake!”

Even laughed. 

“Hey, Isak,” Even whispered, when they were all snuggled up again. “I really need to pee.”

“Okay, go. Why are you telling me?”

“Promise me you won’t leave?”

“I promise I won’t leave.”

Even stood up and Isak kept watching, entranced by the birds that were hatching. 

“Even!” He yelled, hoping Even could hear him. “You’re missing the baby bird! This one is super cute!” 

And then Isak heard a small but faint  _ ting. _ He ignored it. But it happened again.  _ Ting.  _ And then three more, fast.  _ Ting Ting Ting.  _

Isak stretched across to Even’s side of the bed to reach his phone that was lying on the bedside table. He was hoping to maybe lower the sound, or turn it off, the noises were ruining his planet earth experience, damnit! 

As he felt around for a power button, or a volume button the screen lit up again. 

Sonja: I need you.

Sonja: Please, Even.

Sonja: Even, I need you now.

Sonja: I need you to be close to me. 

Sonja: Please <3

Isak’s heart sank.  _ Sonja. _

Sonja was probably Even’s girlfriend. But that didn’t matter much to Isak, what mattered was that Isak wasn’t special. Even treated everyone the way he treated Isak. He said it himself,  _ Everyone deserves to be hugged.  _ Those words that once brought Isak comfort and made him feel loved now just made him feel like an object. Even would come back from the bathroom and see the messages, and he would run to Sonja, and treat her the same way he was treating Isak. He just wanted to save Isak, he didn’t really care about how he was doing, or how he felt, Even was just one of those people who tried to save everyone with love and hugs and cuddles.

So Isak stood up and gathered the few things he had. He shoved his shoes on his feet and his jacket on his shoulders, and he opened the door and slammed it behind him as harsh as he could.

Because fuck Even. Isak didn’t need someone to save him. He didn’t need to be seen as some project, some fucked up broken project that needed to be fixed.

So Isak broke his promise to stay and made his way home to Julian, where he belonged. 

 

**Now**

When Julian asked Isak if he wanted to go for a walk through the park Isak felt like he had misunderstood. Julian had just fucked him, hard, and after a ‘good’ fucking, as Julian called it, he was ready to take a nap, or binge on food, to do something that didn’t involve him interacting further with Isak. So this was new. But Isak agreed and soon enough they were at the fucking park, walking side by side. Isak felt like he was losing his mind.

And he was sore, so, so, sore. He was nearly limping while Julian was glowing and looking delighted. Perhaps it was what Isak had said to him when he had gotten home three nights earlier. Perhaps. He had held Julian tight and shouted in his ear “I hate him! I hate Even! I only want you, always you. Everybody else means nothing.” _ I’m not special to anyone else, only to you. For everyone else there is a better version of me, someone else that they can love. For everyone else I’m nothing. But you only love me.  _ Of course, Isak hadn’t said those last words aloud. They were only haunting his mind.

So, whatever the reason, he had ended up here, walking along with Julian. And when he became too tired and asked Julian to sit under a tree next to him, Julian did so. Isak was surprised once again. And they sat there, Isak listening to Julian go on and on about how beautiful the day was, about how amazing the sun felt. It was an abnormally hot day, still cold enough to have a jacket, but the sun was shining.

Isak listened to Julian and he tried to ignore the pain in his...lower region. And when his eyes searched the layout before him they caught on something. Isak's breath caught.

Even.

_ Even _

Even was right there. He was sitting on a bench not too far from Isak and he had a girl in his arms. They were hugging, and it looked like the girl was crying, and Isak knew she was Sonja. He just knew it. She was very pretty, short hair, a beautiful face. Even Isak, who felt nothing for women in the slightest could still appreciate how beautiful that girl was.

He felt a pang in his chest. And all at once he felt angry and betrayed and sad. Because there Even was, comforting someone else just like he had comforted Isak. And Isak realized that he wasn’t special, not at all. Even gave his love and his comfort to everyone. And maybe Isak was acting like a brat, maybe he was acting selfish, but he felt betrayed deep in his heart because he wanted to have someone who thought of him and him alone, he wanted someone who would put his needs above others, and when Even had held him Isak finally felt that.

Of course, here he was, sitting under a tree with Julian while Even hugged the girl that he probably loved, the girl that put little hearts after her messages. She was most likely just as broken as Isak was, and that made him even angrier. Maybe Even didn’t feel anything for either of them, but instead he just wanted to  _ fix _ something. Maybe he just wanted a love that was like in the movies, he just wanted to save someone else.

Isak wasn’t sure which answer was correct but they all felt bitter in his mind. So without a second thought he climbed on Julian’s lap and cut him off mid-sentence with a heated kiss.

_ Because fuck Even. What do I have that he doesn’t have? _

Julian kissed him back, surprisingly. Normally Isak would be expecting to be shoved off and given a lecture on how Julian doesn’t like to be interrupted. But this time he just kissed back. He pushed his fingers into Isak’s curls a little too roughly but Isak still groaned against his lips. And when Julian shoved his tongue in his mouth Isak opened wide.

“Fuck, Isak,” Julian whispered, while Isak was sucking marks into his neck. “What has gotten into you? Jesus!” He made a noise in the back of his throat when Isak bit his ear and he pulled Isak’s face back to his with his hands on either side. And that’s when Isak started to get a little uncomfortable.

Sure, he had initiated the kiss and he had started it off rough, but that was only out of spite for Even, not passion for Julian. And now Julian was really getting into it. He was shoving his hand under Isak’s jacket to explore his chest and when Isak let go of his lips with a pop and whispered for Julian to “stop, please stop,” the words didn’t make it to Julian’s ears. Instead he attacked Isak’s neck with kisses and licks and bites.

When Julian’s fingers twisted Isak’s nipple Isak gasped, but not in a good way.

“Julian, we’re in public!” He shout-whispered in his ear.

“Yeah, baby. So fucking hot. Getting me going in public.” And then Julian flipped them around so Isak was on his back in the grass and Julian’s body weight was crushing him.

“Julian,” Isak said, trying and failing to push him off. “Julian, please. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Julian didn’t seem to hear the words and he shoved his leg between Isak’s and started to rub himself off against Isak’s hip.

“Julian,” Isak struggled. He squirmed and pushed but Julian was so much stronger. Isak stood no chance. So he gave up. He lay there limp while Julian used his body in the middle of the fucking day in the middle of a fucking park.

That is, until the weight was suddenly lifted away.

Isak lay there for a couple of seconds, dazed and confused, but when he came to he saw Even holding Julian by the collar and shouting harsh words in his face.

“What the fuck are you doing? Isak obviously doesn’t want that! You’re just too fucking dense to take a hint.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Julian yelled back.

“Even. But that hardly matters. What matters is you getting your ass as far away as possible from Isak.”

And the look that overtook Julian’s face was one Isak had seen many times.

He pushed Even to the ground and soon enough the only sounds in the air were grunts and hard, dense sounds of bone hitting bone. Isak sat up and took in the scene, Julian, on his back, with Even sitting atop him and punching him repeatedly in the face.

“Even!” Isak scrambled to stand up and he nearly stumbled running to the two boys, but he caught himself and he reached Even. Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s middle and tried to pull him off. He was too strong.

“Even stop! You’ll hurt him!”

“He fucking deserves it! Fucking asshole!” Isak tried again to pull Even off but he wasn’t budging. So Isak took a step back and yelled at the top of his lungs.

“Help! Someone help please!” He scanned the park for someone, anyone, but the only eyes he was met with were Sonja’s, and she still sat on the bench with wide eyes and shivering skin.

Then Julian got a grip on Even’s shoulder and soon enough they were flipped again. The blood on Julian’s face was dripping into Even’s hair and his eyes were angry, so angry, as he wrapped his fingers around Even’s throat.

He was choking Even. Even’s bruised hands were gripping Julian’s and struggling to push them off of his neck, but Isak could see his strength failing.

Isak plastered himself to Julian’s back and wrapped his arms around him. “Julian, please stop. Please, I’ll do anything for you if you stop. Anything you want.” And that’s when a family stepped into view. Probably just enjoying time together, only to run across two stupid boys fighting each other. Julian’s eyes landed on them and he whispered out a soft “fuck.” He let go of Even’s neck and Isak pulled at his arm until he was standing, and he continued to pull until he was at least five feet away from Even.

Even.

Even was sputtering and coughing on the ground, and Isak thought he should look helpless but instead he looked angrier than before. His eyes were dark, even Isak was afraid to look at him.

“Fuck you,” Even said in a raspy voice.

“No,” Julian responded. “Fuck you man! You attacked me first! And you’re the one who’s been sleeping with Isak huh? You’re the reason he hasn’t been coming home? Well  _ fuck you _ . Even.” He spat his name out like it was garbage.

“I haven’t been sleeping with Isak you piece of shit!” Even was back on his feet and he was moving closer to Julian, so Isak stepped between them. “I’ve been trying to help him! Because you’re fucking abusing him you fucker! I saw it with my own two eyes, he didn’t want you to fucking grope him in the middle of a park, Jesus! You’re such a dick!”

“Oh, so you’ve been  _ saving _ him then? Saving him from the big, bad, Julian. He’s my fucking boyfriend, Even. He doesn’t need to be saved. You’re out of your fucking mind.”

Even growled. “You’re a sad excuse for a human being.”

Julian’s eyes darkened. “You fucking attacked me, you psycho bitch. If anyone is a sad excuse it’s you. And from what Isak told me about you he doesn’t like you either. He always comes running back to me. And when we fuck, he moans  _ my _ name, not yours. You’ll never fucking have him.”

Even huffed and at that point the two boys were close again. Isak was between them, trying to push both away, but his arms couldn’t handle the strain. And listening to them broke his heart, weakened his resolve, made him want to let go and let them kill each other.

And Even swung again. Isak couldn’t stand it anymore, he couldn’t stand seeing them fight and trying to stop it. So he stepped away. But he stepped the wrong direction because Even’s fist connected with his jaw instead of Julian’s.

Isak’s body was so weak, so frail, he fell to the ground immediately.

And Even was crouching over him, Even, who’s throat was bruised from Julian and who’s knuckles were bloody, was crouching over Isak who had gotten one small hit in the face. But his face felt like it was on fire.

“Oh my god, Isak! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, I promise I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry!”

Isak just scoffed and held onto his jaw. He stood up and looked at the sight in front of him. Even looked worried, he looked worried as fuck, but Julian still just looked angry. Julian looked like he might pounce on Even any second, and when he took a few steps forward to do just that Isak raised his own voice.

“You two need to stop! You’re both grown ass men but all you can seem to manage to do is yell at each other and hit each other like five year olds!” He paused, thinking out his words. “You know what? I’m done. I’m fucking leaving. You two can kill each other for all I care.”

Isak spun on his heels and walked away to the sound of Even begging. Julian was silent, so there was that.

But neither of them came after him.

 

.

 

Isak slept on the couch in his office that night. He had nowhere else to go. And when he woke up in the morning he had received a text.

 

Julian: _It’s over._

 

And Isak cried. Of course he cried, because he was weak and small and Julian was the only certainty in his life. No more.

When he looked at the clock he knew he had to pull himself together because his first patient was coming in one hour. So he sat up, wiped his eyes, and drank some of the water he had left on his desk from his last session. There was no food in his office, but luckily the building had some vending machines. Isak waited until his emotions were more in check and when he felt ready he walked out of his office and to the vending machine. Unluckily, Isak had no money. So he sighed and let his head fall against the glass, his empty wallet in hand.

“Hey, you need a little bit of cash?” It was Daniel, the guy that Isak had spoken to maybe once before in his life. But he worked in a big building with hundreds of offices, there were lots of people Isak didn’t know.

But he forced himself to smile and hold back the tears that were begging to fall.

“Yeah, thanks Daniel. I seemed to have left my money at home.” Isak forced out a laugh that sounded fake even to his own ears.

“How are you Isak?” Daniel asked, handing Isak some money.

“I’m...okay. Thank you for asking. How are you?”

Daniel looked at Isak like he knew how badly Isak was hurting. And it made Isak want to shrink inside himself. So he turned his body toward the vending machine and focused all of his attention on the bag of chips that was sliding its way to the bottom.

“I’m good. My daughter just graduated from high school.”

“Oh that’s...exciting.” Isak tried to sound happy but in truth he didn’t care one bit about Daniel’s daughter. Not only had he never met her, but the knowledge that she existed just made him feel worse. Because he didn’t have any kids, he didn’t have a husband, fuck, he didn’t even have a boyfriend anymore. He just smiled the best he could at Daniel and moved to make his way back to his office.

Daniel stopped him with a hand. “Isak are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look well.”

God, Isak was sick of people telling him he didn’t look well. He fucking realized that okay?

“I’m just having a tough morning.”

Isak then walked back to his office, maybe a little too forcefully, but who gave a fuck.

He sat, ate his chips, and within half an hour his first client was walking in.

He smiled warmly at her, tried to ignore the growling in his stomach, and hoped that she didn’t notice how red his eyes were and how broken his heart was.

“Hello Lene. It’s good to see you.”

“You too.”

“How are you doing today?”

“My sister is getting married in two days.”

“That’s really exciting. Are you happy for her?” Isak kept the bitterness out of his voice. Everyone was taking steps forward but him, it seemed like. He was just taking steps back.

“I’m really happy for her, yeah. She deserves it so much. But my whole family is here now, you know? Everyone is here for the wedding and my two brothers with their wives and, like, eight kids are staying at my house and it’s-it’s really hard.”

Isak nodded, encouraging her to continue.

“It’s like my brothers don’t understand what it is to be a good, polite guest. I had to sleep on the couch last night. I’m just so mad...my friend brought over a mattress for me last night, so I could sleep on a mattress instead of the couch, and then I went to the store for five fucking minutes and my brother took my mattress and moved it into the room he’s staying in. Like he didn’t even ask me. And he already has  _ my  _ king sized bed for him and his wife, and three mattresses on the floor for his kids! He just doesn’t have a sense of common decency!”

“Did you tell him how you feel?”

“Well...no. I wanted to but I’m trying to be the bigger person here, you know?”

“Yeah, I understand that. But I think sometimes it’s okay to think about yourself a little bit. You don’t have to yell at him or get angry, but maybe if you just told him how you feel? It’s up to you of course, but that’s my advice.”

“I guess I just don’t want to mess up something for my sister’s wedding, like what if he gets really mad and then something happens? My family is a little bit crazy.”

“Maybe you could talk to him after the wedding?”

“Yeah I guess I could but…”

Isak started to zone out a little bit after that. He started to think about Julian, about how they used to talk about getting married when they were first dating. Isak’s heart clenched. Maybe he could win him back, maybe-

Isak’s thoughts were cut short by a sharp knock at his door.

“I apologize,” Isak said to Lene. “I’m not sure who that is, I’m not expecting anyone. It will only be a second.”

Isak made his way to his door and when he pulled it open he wasn’t sure what to expect, but it wasn’t this.

“Sonja?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts? Honestly I feel like this chapter sucked but idk.
> 
> The episode of planet earth that they were watching was season 1 episode 1 just in case you wanted to watch it. I was watching it last night and I had a total spiritual experience and the whole time I was just thinking ahhhh this would totally be something Even would love! So I had to put it in here. 
> 
> Umm...hopefully I get my thoughts more organized and I can complete the next chapter. I love you all-shout out to the few who are actually reading my work! <3<3


	6. Not a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not a chapter, just an update. Don't read if you don't want to.

Hey guys, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry i haven't updated and I haven't written in a long time, but in all honesty I don't think i will be writing anything else. My life is not very well right now, there are a lot of family problems and I'm not currently welcome at home, so I'm trying to find a place to stay while I'm trying to have enough money and food and stuff and honestly everything is a mess right now. I dont even have my computer. So, while I love writing and i love isak and even with all my heart I dont think I'm in a place to write now. Hopefully things will get better and I can continue some time in the future. Thank you for all of your kind words while I was writing <3 I love the few of you who were kind enough to read what I wrote. <3 love always.


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